What Happened When I Took Up Quilting

I am amazed that I survived my most recent attempt to remain self sustaining. At age forty, a pretty appealing forty at that, I still look back and ponder what exactly was I thinking working three jobs nearly around the clock? Yes, it was my brilliant idea to piece together the profits from three different avenues until I found that one that would sustain me. I reasoned that it would be just for a little while. I now believe that desperation was settling in. I was falling behind on my car payments and my rent was due.  Prior to quilting it was not uncommon for me to go back and forth mentally on who would/should get paid, the lienholder on my vehicle or my friend who had opened her home to me as I hastily made that mad dash.  She was uber supportive of my leaving my failing relationship to take refuge at her home and pay half of the living expenses. That settled it. I could not fail her. I must be loyal.  After accumulating multiple jobs to string together until I landed that one perfect place of employment, I resolved to catch up on everything or die trying.  I adopted an overly optimistic train of thought to keep me going.  I paid attention to my speech. I cautioned myself against using words that described my pursuits in a toiling stressful manner.  In fact, rather than referring to them as jobs I preferred to call each job I reported as a "field trip".  I separated myself from the experience as much as possible by envisioning myself as woman simply conducting research. I looked at it this way, I love people so here I had the opportunity to meet and visit with a different set of individuals on a daily basis routinely. No work environment was beneath me. I was thankful for the opportunity to work. I believed that God would bless the work of my hands because my heart was right.  All I wanted was the opportunity. So my daily grind morphed into an adventure in customer service, I would be ever so grateful on each field trip and deliver the absolute best that I had to offer to all I came into contact with.  I would be pleasant, personable and professional but most of all, grateful for each opportunity.  I was determined to be the female version of Akeem from the movie "Coming To America".  Yes, I'm sure that you can tell, I love that movie. I would take my regal air with me and exhale commitment and a diehard perseverance into the commonplace endeavor.  I would work with integrity and attention to detail.  I would not let the grind define me but I would carefully quilt together the revenue from each pursuit,  I would create something beautiful of something exhausting and stressful. I was determined to piece together the scraps and survive by any means necessary. So, field trip number one found me working at a popular nationwide houseware retailer. This pursuit came about as I was visiting the store for one of my therapeutic sessions.  I have a habit of when I am a bit down or depressed I try to find beautiful things to simply be around to lift my spirits. Pretty things and indulgent surroundings sweep me away mentally. So it was that day.  I was longing for the comforts of home as walked through the store amusing myself with plush bath sheets and table settings.  On the way out I decided to ask if the store may need help as the holiday season would soon be approaching.  A lovely woman with the most comforting and entertaining spirit masquerading as a cashier handed me an application.  I completed the form, smiled, returned it and then headed for a reprieve at Starbucks where I planned to strategize on my next move.  I had been completing applications both online and the old fashioned way for some time now.  If I received one more, just one automated response I knew I'd scream. While I sat and sipped on my green tea I received a call to return to the store and meet with one of the managers. I thought this must be a sign because hardly thirty minutes had gone by since I left the store. I said a quick prayer and vowed that if offered the opportunity I would accept it make it work. After a series of meeting with all three of the managers which I found to be strange to say the least.  I was interviewing for a position as a customer service associate not management wow! I was determined to make it work even in the face of the managers' insistence that the job would be no walk in the park, making references to one of my daily requirements, the ability to climb a ten foot ladder and retrieve items for customers. I smiled from the safety of my seat on ground level looking up at all of the various products and simply said "sure, I could handle it." Was I afraid of heights? Before that day, I suppose I never really knew just how afraid of heights I actually was. Again, I was determined to survive and pay all, well maybe not all of my debtors. 

Field trip number two found me continuing on with my contracted position with the school district working with elementary aged children in an after school program.  Being able to continue spending my afternoons with these little people actually gave me something to look forward to, some way to feel as if I was making a difference. I felt more in my element at the school somehow. I can't explain it, but more myself. Actually I was providing the same service to each client, excellent customer relations. One set of clients were adults of course and the other clients were a group of children.  The adults at my first field trip actually proved to be much more difficult to contend with.  The customer base at the store seemed to be comprised of individuals who held what I believed was a strong sense of entitlement. The store catered to this set of clientele with a philosophy that one person at any cashier's station constituted a "line". Often I would leave field trip one headed directly to field trip two tired yet relieved to be dealing with children for the remainder of the evening. At least with my kids many of them had not yet had the benefit of being fully raised as of yet, so the concept of simply common courtesy and decency was not common to them yet. 


Field trip number three evolved by happenstance. Yes, I did say field trip number three. I was in much more of a financial strain and a dilemma didn't quite describe what I was going through so I was in full blown crisis mode. I struggled to remain my cheerful, optimistic and spiritual self in the midst of it all but the weight of my needs were heavy on me. One day while stopping for gas, one of the things I truly detest doing, stopping to pump the gas. I know that the fuel has to find its way into the car but I just hate having to stop to do it. I long for the days of full service stations.  On my way out of this particularly pristine station it occurred to me that they were open 24/7 and only a few feet away from my first field trip.  I decided right then and there I should add this little diddy onto my quilting pattern and see what comes of it.  Did I want to, really? No, but until a fabulous full time position with benefits presented itself I would simply do what I needed to do.  Bohemian at heart I knew that I could learn something from every environment while adding my own unique flavor.  I would be a student of this experience. God would bless the works of my hands until the next door opened for me.  There, I created an opportunity for myself. I walked right in and enlightened the management of that store how they ever made it without someone like me. After an interview with a feisty Phillipino woman who was the area manager, I assumed field trip number three.  I would work from 10:00 pm at night until 6:00 am and head to my next field trip for 8:00 am most mornings.

 

Most of my days my quilting reflected 16 + hour work days. I was exhausted yet encouraged that somehow it would all work out for me. I retained my dignity while setting my pride aside.

Doing It & Doing It & Doing It...The Aftermath

So its been a while since my last update on my bohemian faith journey and my how very much I have learned.  I have discovered that at my absolute best I am quite an attractive mess. I say an attractive mess because externally I believe that I'm holding up pretty well physically. The packaging isn't too frayed but my God am I a mess within. Thank God that the predicaments that I have an uncanny ability to find myself in don't show up on my face. A combination of good genes and trust in God has kept me somewhat aesthetically intact. I am a person with a fierce sense of loyalty and as the year comes to a close and I will take that into account as I conduct my yearly personal audit.  I must find a way to offer that fierce loyalty to myself. Well, so much has transpired that I feel at a loss on exactly where to begin on little update. Lets rewind the tape a bit. During the summer months I had vacated a relationship that I believed simply wasn't working at all.  I exited stage left in grand drama by leaving my then love interest with nothing more than his beloved New Orleans Saints chair in the middle of the room strategically placed in front of the television. For one, leaving the television was the right thing to do I believed because he had been good to me and he loved, loved, loved television, well ESPN. After months of taking two steps forward only to be pushed four steps back I surmised that our relationship simply could not nor would not work because we were two fundamentally different people and the likelihood of either of us changing was slim.  I held onto resentment and bitterness like a pitbull as he held his ground as well.  He was extremely loyal to me as I was to him, yet our love language differed greatly. We basically clashed on how we wanted to live, what I felt was acceptable and what was not.  I was judgmental and prideful. He was relentless in his refusal to bend.  Tenderness was not his strong suit.  He was a phenomenal provider because his heart was a living, pulsating organ whose only function was to cover and care for. He was a man who actually enjoyed caring for others in his own unique way. I wanted for nothing yet desired to be treated compassionately and carefully like the lady that I am. He was not into doing that and was adamant in showing and telling me that "I was not that important" nor would he "place me on a pedestal". My lover simply failed to understand that I did not want to be placed on a pedestal. I wanted the pedestal that I already stood on to be respected.  It was erected with a firm foundation in who God, my Creator designed me to be.  I saw myself as valuable and of pure quality with a sense of self esteem that was/is ironclad intact.  We went round for round. He let me down and I most assuredly agitated him to no end.  I required things of him, expected a certain level of treatment and frowned in disgust at his blatant way of ignoring my hissy fits.  Our moment of no return arrived on Mothers' Day weekend after visiting our respective families in Louisiana.  I fumed at his responses to me that I believed were a ploy to annihilate my sense of self worth and self respect. I truly believed every word and argument was a part in a diabolical plan to break me down mentally so that I could perform and behave like the women he had more than likely become accustomed to dating.  I vowed that I would not be controlled by a man! Our disagreements always ended with my feeling unheard, devalued, discounted and ignored. I believed that he would never make efforts to alter his behavior.  The day after any argument he would without fail get up and prepare for work and kiss me on my forehead as he departed before me leaving a credit card for me. This act always infuriated me because along with the kiss and credit card there was never an apology, one of which I always believed I deserved.  He always went on with his day as if nothing ever happened.  I always found a way to stew over his transgressions, his faults and flaws, his inherent inability to treat me like the fine lady that I was.  Did I mention that he provided for me very well after I relocated with him post lay off? Oh all of that was irrelevant to me as I made my getaway. At the end of a contract position without a new job awaiting me, fueled with 100% anger and bitterness I packed my bags and all of the furniture and fled the scene. The weeks that followed my exodus were a combination of emotions.  I needed some time to come down from all of the adrenaline that came as a result of the non stop arguments.  I worked on regaining a clear mind.  I tried to reestablish some consistency in working out.  I had created a self sabotaging self care regimen.  I medicated the madness with wine that worked grossly against my cute quotient which invariably made me feel worse about myself. Within the relationship I saw myself as the victim, the person being "done wrong" oh so wrong and I focused almost entirely on him, his actions and inactions. Our mini dramas became the topic of nearly every conversation with my girlfriends.  I deserved better I believed yet I was doing very little to attain it. I whined and complained to no avail.  So after moving in with a friend I settled into a new life of struggle and confronting myself, the self that perpetuated problems within my own life. I did return to work and amused myself with the little people I spent my days with until the organization that employed me stressed me to no end. I found myself slipping back into a familiar pattern, winding down with much too much wine. Not good at all. I walked away from that school and job hunted to piece together an existence on my own. Financially I had now taken on a rental obligation that proved to be quite a stretch for me as I attempted to get back on my feet, which I never was quite able to do.  Enter the fall, with a season change I vowed to pull myself together somehow and soar.  I took up what I call "quilting" where I would valiantly piece together jobs to meet all of my expenses.  In my mind I would keep doing it and doing it and doing it until somehow I was right side up again. I was staging a comeback. What I did not know then that in the midst of my comeback a heart cleansing would occur and I would see myself through different eyes. My current situation was not a situation afterall but a classroom that I had stumbled into. Now the time to prove just how teachable I was had come.  Would I stop, look and listen in the aftermath of my mess?

Considering Disability Benefits

Of my many character flaws, and there are oh so many, one of them that I am actively working on is my tendency to be judgemental.  Sometimes even when my opinion has not be solicited I have this phenomenal knack for conveying it anyway.  Coupled with sarcasm I critique things that I have great difficulty understanding such as people who wear their pajamas out in public, the Kardashian epidemic, poverty stricken Caucasians who vote for wealthy elitist Republicans, CeeLo's wardrobe selections, twenty two year olds with an excess of four children and white male arrogance. Those are just a few things that I clearly do not understand but often find myself critiquing. Alas, I am a work in progress.  Rather than attempting to comprehend why some things are the way they are or why some people think or act the way they do I simply must learn to look away. Judging others is a job fit for God alone, clearly He is the only one equipped to judge. Maybe I am not judging others after all and there could be another suitable way to describe my inability to understand the mindset and motivations of others. When I discover what its called I will be sure to inform everyone. Perhaps there are so many others who are also suffering from this disorder.  Hey, maybe it could be called Chronic Failure to Comprehend Foolishness. I'm going with that diagnosis.  Yes that's it I suffer from CFCF. I wonder if I can get a check for that.  It may be labeled a disability in today's culture. My severe inability to understand prevalent foolishness may render me ineffective in navigating successfully in the world. Yes, I should definitely consider applying for disability benefits. If D.L. Hughley attempted to get the Black man on the endangered species list then surely I can apply for disability benefits for my Chronic Failure to Comprehend Foolishness. The least assistance that I believe I should afforded is an interpreter. Possibly an interpreter would be helpful in translating the widespread foolishness to me.

I have been experiencing some difficulty in the work arena lately and I truly believe it may have a lot to do with my CFCF. In an administrative yet academic setting I have the joy of interacting with a diverse group of people.  Both the students and their parents keep me on my toes.  Every afternoon as I have shared previously I spend time with a wonderful group of elementary aged children who are enrolled in an after school program. My evenings typically begin with the beloved front office. By the time I arrive the dismissal process is in full swing and in comes foolishness like with all of the flambouyance and verve of a flaming gay entertainer complete with theme music. Now mind you I love working with people. I enjoy the anti routine consistency that it provides, although many people may come in requesting the same things, different faces, voices and attitudes keeps things quite lively. Redundancy tires me so. I am extremely passionate about helping people and brightening their day while I do so. My CFCF usually flares up when I am assisting at the front desk and a parent who is obviusly off their medication comes in to voice a complaint or make what I consider an insane request. The chief insane request of them of all is to ask me what your child's teacher's name is.  I have been asked this question many times and it still baffles me.  I have been asked this over the phone and in person and I am dumbfounded. My CFCF truly renders me incapcitated in such situations.  In fact in most cases for a very brief moment I am left speechless, temporarily mute.  I know that a response is warranted but my clear confusion at the idiocy of the request has shocked my nervous system.  I am basically stunned, sitting there either holding the phone or staring blankly into the eyes of the unmedicated parent. I am wondering at that moment if it is a trick question.  The parent has to know their child's teacher's name and is just questioning me if I know. Yes, that has to be it, its a trick question. The only thing is the parent is looking at me with expectancy as if I am going to answer them any moment.  My CFCF kicks in the symptoms show up before I can try to hide my condition.  Sarcasm and/or cynism appear without my trying to convey it. Its a natural reaction for a person with Chromic Failure to Comprehend Foolishness.  Its something like tourettes.  You see it is beyond me why a parent does not know their child's teacher's name primarily for two reasons: the Thanksgiving holiday is in all of but one week, how a parent does not know the name of the chief adult that their child has been spending the most time with for over two months is insane and it is an elementary school which means their child should be fairly verbal enough to speak. Can the parent not simply turn to little Johnny and ask him what his teacher's name is? Without my realizing it I always end up conveying that either of those two thoughts to the parent which tends to stir them up.  What these people fail to realize is that I am not well.  I have CFCF. All of my counterparts can answer these strange questions completely unfazed but not me. This really could be a disability.  I am relieved to understand that I may not be overly judgmental after all, I have a disorder that quite possibly with proper treatment and/or therapy I too can thrive in society. Yes, I should really seek help. I am confident that after routine assistance my judgmental demeanor will soften remarkably. The next time a parent asks whether or not Halloween is an official school holiday (meaning the school is closed) so that she will have enough time to straighten her children's hair for a party later that afternoon, I can simply smile and answer "no ma'am school is still open for Halloween" as if that was the most common conversation ever on school grounds. After treatment I will no longer entertain ringing the unmedicated parent alarm and immediately contacting Child Protective Services.

The Evolution

Good morning!! In my blog I tend to share my thoughts about my life, my window into the world with hopes that my tiny personal revelations may also help someone else. I call them musings, meditations and a few rants thrown in from time to time to detail the fine art of allowing oneself to evolve in a f.l.y., funky, faith-filled manner. What does that mean? Pour yourself a cup of coffee & I will be more than delighted to share with you...

Evolving in a f.l.y. manner ("fearlessly and fiercely loving yourself", sometimes I enjoy acronyms) for me is the capacity & willingness to allow yourself to grow & expand in every area of your life from a place that is fearless & fierce. Fearlessly & fiercely loving myself is an ongoing journey. With my newfound football terminology it is a personal play that is defensive & offensive driven. Meditate on those two...fearlessly & fiercely. Loving myself fearlessly is a defensive move for me.  Although it is a struggle sometimes, I must do everything to saturate my life with all things positive. I go on the defense by bringing in all manner of optimism via people I surround myself with, things that I read, the social media I engage in, etc. By doing this, I am "beefing up my defensive line" so to speak. Positivity builds a wall against fear. Fearlessly loving myself is a proactive choice at every intersection of my life. It is a challenge to love or be in love and fear at the same time. In fact, it is downright impossible. I take the offensive approach by fiercely loving myself at all costs. When faced with a choice to love another over myself, I choose me, all day, everyday.  Loving myself fiercely dictates that I place myself on the top of my priority list. That is evolution for someone like me. Oh the ways you can grow when you love yourself with those two f's....

Evolving in a funky manner means that I commit to never, ever again allowing myself to "fake the funk". I dedicate myself to live in, speak & deal in my personal Truth at all times. My funk frees me and fuels me because it is steeped in authenticity. Living from a place of the funky truth is liberating. You see the truth isn't always pretty, clean and fragrant, but it definitely is what it is. There is a sweet solace that comes when you can tell the truth and nothing but the absolute truth to yourself if no one else about how you feel, what you want, what you feel you deserve and where you are right now in life.  

Evolving in a truly faith-filled manner describes a life that I am so desiring to live, a life of faith. Experiencing a limitless existence in the "substance of things hoped for & the evidence of things not yet seen" is a daily walk. Its not for the faint at heart. Its not for the individual who must have all the answers at every corner. I lived in that space at different intervals in my life & it was the most exhilirating experience ever! My desire is to make faith my permanent residence. This is an evolution....

Marital Must Haves

On the tail end of a splendid weekend spent with my family celebrating my youngest first cousin's union I'm left in a very reflective state. I know, when I am not pondering something or another. Well I am. These days I am very aware of myself, where I am on my personal path and the moment I find myself in. Should I be sharing it with you? Maybe, quite possibly some personal truth that I stumble upon may help someone. Who knows. Anyway my doll of cousin was such a site to behold. She was absolutely breathtaking. When I look at her I see the passage of time. My how time flies. Wow, she is not a little girl anymore. I am also no longer a young woman any longer. My thoughts wander to the ideals I once had about marriage, weddings, a husband and all of that happily ever after fairytale stuff. Things have changed. I have changed. Although I am still a hopeless romantic I am no longer as flighty and idealistic as I once was, well maybe not in matters of the heart. I pray that my cousin Danielle has before her more expectations than I do now of the fine institution of marriage. I think that she does as she is in her very early thirties, not nearly enough time to have accumulated as many regrets, failed expectations of relationships, etc. With this in mind I recall having a conversation with a friend concerning our marriage must haves, the absolutes, the necessities of a union following exchanged vows. We swapped our lists, laughed at each other and thought nothing of it. I tried to be as brutally honest as I could be. My friend and I are both at least forty, so the lists I noticed aren't as long as they probably would've been at age twenty five or so. So, here they are, my marriage must haves post age thirty five. Keep in mind this is a comprehensive yet brief list of things that are must haves for me personally. This list may be condensed by the time I am forty five I am sure.

1. Must allow me to be me. I am finally at a place in my life where I so love me, in fact I am totally digging me, all of me, the good, the bad, the ugly & if its all good with me, then I'm expecting a man that will step back and allow me to be the woman that we've both come to fall in love with.
2. Must possess an appetite for life. I may spend some time being engaged to the man but I welcome the man who will be engaged in life beside me. No sitting in front of the television for hours on end.
3. Must respect my idiosyncracies & complexities as I will his. Those things make us unique.
4. Must never ask "is that another pair of shoes?".
5. Must be willing to travel to places that I choose also. Yes, I may come up with the not so popular places to venture to but a willing travel companion in the form of my husband is non-negotiable.
6. Must not be selfish at all. I will want a bite of his sandwich, scoot all in his space, moodiness & selfishness will never do.
7. Must not compare my cooking to his mother's. It is an established fact that his mother's will always be better. There will be no kitchen competitions going on at my age. Enjoy both of our dishes and have a seat somewhere.
8. Must not come into the kitchen while I am cooking & attempt to take over. Participation is fully appreciated, but taking over drives me insane. Reminds me of my Daddy.
9. Must pray for me....I really need it. My husband should/would know me best or most intimately. Prayers can be offered in my presence or otherwise. I just would like to be the subject in a conversation between him and our Creator.
10. Must be fully committed to maintaining our brand of which I will be the chief spokesperson. No sending me to bootleg, kitchen table, substandard salons in a so called effort to "save money".
11. Must support my need to write and/or ramble....it's what I do. His primary support will be understanding this aspect of me and making space in our lives for this. Key, writers/ramblers love to read. He will understand that when I am frantic, he should offer me a book, or laptop and alone time. Just send me to time out.
12. Must allow me to build my own relationship with his child/children separate & totally apart from his. Vice versa.
13. Must not frown upon me having people over for the holidays (those holidays that actually exist & those that I make up on my own).
14. Last but certainly not least, must provide engaging intimate encounters on a consistent basis in alternative locations & well I will leave it at that....

Degenerative Arthritis of the Soul...Jeopardizing the Pretty Behind the Petty

I tried comforting a friend today.  I gave him the best advice that I possibly could.  Listening to him share the struggles he was undergoing really broke my heart. I understood his pain because I too had found myself in similiar situations.  During that stormy time in my life and there were several that mimicked the very same situation, I doubted myself, my ability to pull myself out of it and if the situation would ever get better.  I blamed the other person terribly.  The problem was as I saw it,  was obviously outside of myself.  From my very keen perspective I was being hurt, abused, misused, neglected, taken for granted, manipulated and grossly disrespected.  Every other foul act of inhumanity that another could do to me was being done against me. Like my friend I too recall feeling hopelessly frustrated and discouraged.  I know exactly how it feels to look at the situation all around me and see it failing. I have seen myself in sinking ships far too often.  I've set sail upon the Titanic of relationships and jobs many times over.  Being in connection with people or situations that are nonproductive sucks the life out of you.  Yes, relationships with draining dilemmas are debilitating in every sense.  When assuming the role of victim it truly feels as if everything and everyone is against you, yet its worse when the relationship, marriage, or job is a dead end situation.  Envisioning no way out is no place close to seeing no way through.  When I found myself most recently in such a state, I recall the beauty of relaxing on a dear friend's sofa and gleaning such words of wisdom as "no matter what, take care of yourself."  As simple as that advice was it still holds such a profound morsel of wisdom.  Taking care of the self is paramount when plagued with perpetual problems from someone or something you've committed yourself to.  I can remember those days of laying there on my friend's sofa recounting how terrible I was being treated by my then "man".  I'd talk, bemoan, vent and sip wine, bemoan, talk, vent and sip wine, talk, bemoan and sip more wine.  Now looking back at those venting moments I am so glad that I had a true friend who challenged me to put the glass of wine down and get to the track or the nearest gym.  Yes I had an insurmountable degree of stress and pain in my life but the way that I was dealing with it was weighing on me. I was committing a cardinal sin against myself, I was jeopardizing the pretty behind the petty.  I was allowing the petty issues of another to jeopardize my pretty.  That simply would not do.Weight gain as a result of prolonged stress from an outside force was not a good look at all.  If you cannot control the outside force you can eliminate it.  Listening to my friend reminded me of the valley that I had been in.  In gratitude I thank God for the passage of time, wisdom and healing.  I've learned now after several highly expensive purchased experiences the importance of caring for yourself in the midst of trials.  I now know that when dealing with an unfulfilling and/or degenerative  situation to always make every attempt to focus on your total well being.  Its not about ignoring the other party but moreso about focusing on myself.  Investing in yourself in the midst of a debilitating set of circumstances is an investment that always yields a high return. The best thing I could have done in exchange for complaining, wallowing or consuming bottles upon bottles of wine (well maybe not bottles, but a lot of wine was consumed) was to go for a walk, journal, yes journal or hit the gym.  The options of positive self care are endless.  Many times the relationship is on life support anyway and the absolute best thing to do is to save yourself.  Come on, we all know when a thing is over, but for whatever reason we simply can't call it.  Lingering too long and laboring with a relationship that has reached its expiration date long ago is a disservice to all involved.  I think about how I wasn't ready to let go yet I continued to hurt myself while attempting to hang on. What foolishness, what complete and utter foolishness.  Now I do not consider myself to be a negative person at all.  I tend to be the eternal optimist, the hopeless romantic, the rose-colored glasses wearer, you get the point. However, there are some situations that I know God had never called me to nor was I assigned to for lengthy periods of time.  I've learned the value and beauty of getting the lesson from a situation and moving on. Anything that assaults my well being for prolonged periods require prayer for me to know when the gig is up. I believe that one should definitely put as much work coupled with prayer and everything else called for into circumstances that appear to be waging war against them.  If you're truly giving it your all within the relationship, the marriage (which is an entirely another level of work), or on that job but the results of your efforts are nonexistent, its time to step back and weigh the costs versus the benefits of the partnership. If your union with anyone or any entity is costing more than its benefiting you some tough decisions are before you. But, how do you or have you been coping in the meantime?

 

 

When I think about my friend and the defeated tone of his voice I can almost hear my dad talking.  I strongly suggest no one to ask my father how he is doing, its a trap. My dad has a way of describing his health challenges in a way that causes one to have a strong desire to slit their wrists. He will go on and on.  My dad has degenerative arthritis in his knees and it is extremely unfortunate.  His condition is very painful and has now limited his mobility greatly.  He has ignored medical solutions for years now with one that tops the list, lose a substantial amount of weight.  My dad will describe in excrutiating detail on how his form of arthritis has progressed.  It's not that I don't feel sorry for him because truly I do.  I've tried on several occasions to get him to become more active, etc. What can I do now but listen to his complaints of chronic pain?   Basically degenerative arthritis, especially in my dad's case does not get better.  It has gotten worse.  He has lost nearly all of the cartiliage in his knees.  There's no cushion.  He has bone to bone friction and the pain that comes from the wearing down of it has to be beyond difficult to cope with. He has not lost any weight so it only exacerbates his situation all the more. Yes, the more my friend speaks I think of my dad's battler with degenerative arthritis. We all at some time or another have endured some form of degenerative arthritis.  I like to look at it more specifically as degenerative arthritis of the soul.  When we have compromised our needs and wants far too often for prolonged periods of time things begin to weigh on us heavily.  When we lack a self care regimen the stressors of our situation become bone to bone so to speak.  We have no cartiliage, no cushion between ourselves and the situation.  Therein lies the doom and gloom that we feel because things are getting progressively worse.  They actually are getting worse because we have no cushion for our soul, our minds, our wills, our emotions, our intellect against that circumstance that weighs against us.  If you have no healthy cushion to soften the blow of what you deal with on a daily basis you are much more than crippled.  I think back to myself and I how was the source of my sustained pain.  Instead of eliminating what I saw as the problem and/or seeking a healthy way of dealing with it, I added insult to injury by adding more weight.  Trust me, there's nothing like wine weight gain, not cute at all.  Other than witnessing a beautiful woman chain smoking, wine weight gain is such a tragedy. Thank God for an intervention. Once I put on the weight and saw the effects on my frame it only depressed me further and so the cycle continued until I received a good kick in the derriere from my dear friend.  I had to stop whining and complaining and do something about it.  I began my journey to release the weight and regain a sense of control of my life and my choices.  This is what I desperately want for my friend to know.  I am in no way advocating for selfishness or giving up and walking out on difficult situations or circumstances.  Some things may only be occuring for a season in one's life and it will indeed pass.  I truly believe that you cannot change another human being.  You cannot alter a toxic work environment that has negativity spilling forth from its top level. The only entity to ever be changed in any situation is you.  If your outlook on things have been crippled beyond recognition its time to replace the cartiliage in your life with something positive.  My soul is far too valuable to remain in a broken state.  I need my soul at a fully engaged state so that I can navigate through this wondrous world.  My mind has to be at full capacity.  My will must be in concert with Divinity to function smoothly. My emotions must be charged and fueled properly so that I can view myself and the world around me as a promising adventure.  This is a must.  My intellect must be nourished so that when circumstances attempt to belittle my mental swiftness I will know better.  It is up to me to discover an outlet or a supporting technique that will leave me better equipped to handle  the stressors that cannot be eliminated at the time.  The solution is not to go around quitting jobs, relationships and/or marriages.  I am by no means a quitter. Tenacity runs through my DNA. I come from a long line of women who have staying power but these days I do have an extremely low tolerance level for foolishness.  I am working on increased perseverance and the wisdom discern when God says "when" because quite frankly, sometimes I'm just not that spiritual.  Basically when it comes time to pull the plug on a dismal situation I will know. Here is what I finally chose to share with my friend and I so hope that he and countless others will try.  In fact, I hope that should I falter that someone will remind me to: focus on myself, invest in myself in the midst of a difficult situation, be kind to myself, be gentle, tender and attentive. Don't go too hard on the wine or the Ben & Jerry's, I'll only regret it later. Read something daily that is inspirational.  Listen to music that is uplifting, write, work out, walk, dance, breathe deeply, smile, get out of the house, laugh. Pray, meditate, attend church or some form of spiritual worship, try counseling. Eat well, choose healthy foods and did I say laugh? Above all, place my well being at the top of the list at all times.  This is not selfish, but self care at its finest.  What's the worst that could happen anyway?  The other party, your spouse, coworkers, family member or significant other actually sees something in you and chooses to follow your lead? No, not the worse case scenario you say? Well, perhaps the alliance completely falters altogether. I say you're still winning! You can walk away from the situation with an intact mind, bank account, career, a strong sense of self and a body that is in alignment with your mind and spirit.  Sanity is such a good look.  Yes optimal self care is the cure for degenrative arthritis of the soul.  I am now aware that the goal should never be on the situation getting better but the focus should always be on my becoming better.

The Desire Dossier

Every now and again I think I've stumbled upon a great idea, something that I have to try to determine if it will in fact transform my life.  Here's my latest, the "Desire Dossier"!! Basically anyone who knows me pretty well knows that I have this journal fetish.  I love to write but I love doing so in beautifully designed and cute little journals. I have tons of these for all sorts of things.  My journals are for much more than simply notetaking or penning down my thoughts, they are a safe haven. I cannot ignore a unique themed journal.  I love the Jordi Labana journals. I have small ones, mid-sized journals and yes of course larger 8.5 x 11 journals.  Many of them are blank, never had a word written in them at all.  One day I sat dreaming as I usually do, contemplating on a few things that I would love to have and I decided to grab one of my emply journals and start a book dedicated to that very thing, things that I desire.  So there, that's exactly what I did. On the first page I wrote what my intentions were for the journal and decided to daily list my desires.  This would not be a prayer journal or a wishlist, but simply a daily desire list.  Each day I will jot down whatever it is that I desire, just whatever comes to my mind that day that I would like.  At the day's end of course I will pray and thank God for all that is in my life and all that has yet to manifest but my ultimate goal is to simply list what I'd love to see show up in my life. I've decided to carry this journal around with me so that if something catches my eye I can jot it down including the store where I may have spotted the gem.  You see, a dossier is a file containing detailed records on a particular person or subject.  My desire dossier is an ongoing list of everything that speaks to my heart, soul, spirit and unique tastes.  If I come across a particular fragrance that melts my heart and uplifts my spirit, I jot down the name of it and even take a sample card.   Within this journal are daily reminders of what I love, like and care to see more of in my life.  I note these things with an expectant spirit, that these things, the little and the grand will make their way into my life. I don't go into overdrive on the how, I simply note what I like, what makes me smile. The desires that I list aren't always things but can also be experiences as well.  They are also not always for me but for others included.  The goal here is to list and leave them to the capable hands of my Creator.  All that I desire rests in the universe anyway and is in safekeeping.  The universe is God's handiwork, His blank canvas, His playground, His abundant field and His mind all rolled up in one.  At least this is what I think.  It works for me.  Since I've started listing things in my Desire Dossier I've already witnessed the delivery of some of my heart's delights.  I should scratch them off the list in an act of gratitude. Anyway, I think that I will keep this up.  Its a new and revolutionary concept for me, stilling myself to ponder what it is that I want or want more of in my life.  Some things are material or financially based but most of the things I want aren't.  Oftentimes we think about all of the things that plague our sanity, the things that we don't want but rarely do we stop and think about what we want, what we actually desire.  Those two words "want" and "desire" evoke such emotion. I rarely allowed myself to think about what I truly want and now is as good a time as any.  Now I may have to keep my dossier in close proximity as it does list quite a substantial amount of my most personal desires.  Such a descriptive list could be quite dangerous if it fell into the wrong hands....insert wicked laughter!