Out of The Loop

Lately, I can't say for certain where I've been mentally. My mind has been a bit scattered to say to least. I feel very "out of the loop" and actually thats pretty much the best description of life as I know it right now.  Walking this tightrope of reinvention while becoming reacclimated to life here in my parents' home has been a strange existence. Getting back some semblance of normalcy has been pyscholgically draining. I try to keep things light to ward off depression. Some days I am successful, very successful and some days I fail miserably. There was a two week span where depression prevented me from venturing outside of my room. Thank God I snapped out of it. I could feel myself plummeting into a deep, dark abyss of self pity. I have chosen to cling to my precious faith that things will get better. Since involuntarily parting ways with my car there are moments where those creepy feelings of self doubt come in and I feel so out of control of my own life. When you can't determine a the last minute how you will get from point A to point B your sense of self direction is questioned big time. I want a tiny bit of routine most of all, normalcy is overrated.  I feel most times that  I am neither here nor there, not quite back on feet yet not completely on skid row either. Being in transition seems to be a crash course in living in two worlds. I am flunking the course. There is that world where my dear long time genuine friends live where they are employed wives and mothers moving about their daily lives. I talk with some of them from time to time. We share a few laughs, catch up and I offer my love and most optimistic words. I again choose to keep things light. I do this not out of some level of embarrassment but moreso to shield those who care for me an about me from my life of uncertainty. This bohemian existence of reinvention isn't easily understood by most. So to my friends and some family I remain out of the loop. Dating is not an option at this juncture. I have discovered that I do not fare well with mixing a relationship and my personal priorities. When rebuilding a life romance is stifled. I have found that men have this habit of wanting what they want when they want it.  I have nothing to offer to a relationship right now and this idea just doesn't go over well with most men. I fully commit to preventing myself from loving anyone above the love I can offer myself. This preventative measure is a protective measure also. Most of life often resembles a day of window shopping. I am peering through each display window thinking to myself, "just wait til get my money right." I am such a great cocktail of frustration, faith and optmism.  So again, I stand someplace out of the loop.  I commit to doing the work to get things right from within. I have a few decisions to make that will hopefully guarantee me access back into life again.