The Eternal Optimist & Her Shoes

Okay so I admit it, try as I may, I am not always the happy go lucky single woman smitten with life itself.  I have days that just won't cooperate with my positive attitude.  I have those days that defy my divinity. I have those days where I'm simply not feeling my prettiest nor my most powerful. Over the years I've tried countless things to muster up enough motivation to conquer a mundane, just "tryna make it" kinda day. I would create a playlist of songs to push me over my internal pessimism.  This usually does the trick and lightens my spirits. I love all musical genres. I save melodies that speak to my soul and quiet the flood of internal dialogue. I need music to drown out the dilemmas that go around and around in my mind.  I have questions that at times I am unable to answer, things that I have to yet to clarify and the urgency I place on myself is unrelenting.  Music soothes me but there are moments that not even my playlist can pull me from the pits of doubt. Fear and anxiety at times sometimes cloud my judgment of just how wonderful I really am.  Contemplating the sparse relationship options available to me at this place in my life can sometimes throw a girl into a bit of a tizzy and on a bad day, I admit I've been known to doubt how perfectly full of wonder my life is right now as is.  So when my playlist can't cut it I go into my closet, yes my closet; not my prayer closet, although I do make a habit of retreating there often, but my actual closet. My countenance has a way of instantly floating when I fling open the door to my closet and say hello to my friends. Shoes are my friends and like friends, good friends, that is, you don't need many....quality over quantity. Being a rather height challenged person, my friends do more than enhance my height they also lift my spirits.  A well chosen pair stilletoes at just the right moment can be a spiritual experience. I am so far beyond Cinderella when slipping on a pair heels and twirling about. I instantly feel better, lighter, liberated and sexy! Yes sexy! As a sensual and ultra feminine being, I revel in moments when I am feeling my most feminine.  When I am in this state of mind, its much more than fashion but a crazy feeling that I can do most anything even perhaps leap tall buildings in a single bound. Well, maybe not, but Superman had a cape and I have heels.  In my heels it appears that my passionate disposition is turned all the way up. Within I am levetating above limitations and transported to space where all is right with the world and limitations are non existent.  My friends, my shoes return me back to state of eternal optimism again and I'm happy once again. Never say its just a pair of shoes, remember our girl Cinderella and Dorothy.  When I opt out of my own closet and need a quick pick me up I visit all of the lovely shoe sites that never fail to let me down.  I just sit and smile at all the pretty styles and imagine myself twirling and prancing about in them. Yes I said twirling. Does bliss have a shoe size? Yes of course, I'd say its a perfect size 6 1/2 narrow.

It's A Family Affair...Summer Days

Ahhh, the summer months, sweltering heat, unsupervised neighborhood children, life-threatening mosquitoes, and an unfailing appreciation for the invention of air conditioning  Enjoying a cool refreshing drink and relishing a lazy day is permitted and applauded as much as possible. However, the one event that screams "hey ya'll it's summer!" is definitely the annual family reunion. This classic event set aside for families to reconnect and reaffirm their heritage and longevity is typically the hallmark of every summer vacation. Complete with coordinating tshirts, line dances and severely over indulging in every dish imaginable is just what we do.  I particularly do not care for the customary line dance, but who am I to eliminate it? So as this summer comes to a close this Labor Day weekend I am reflecting on the lazy and sublimely lovely days of this summer's past. Amidst the humidity I've attempted to find happiness in whatever's happening at the moment. Joy has a way of sneaking up on you in the most unlikely places.  I tend to try to allow the humor in a situation to reveal itself and go with it.  When being assaulted by the summer heat its almost impossible to have something to laugh at. Thank goodness that family reunions are never such an occasion. They are the highlight of an otherwise uneventful summer. There is absolutely nothing like visiting a family reunion as a guest of someone! In need of a few laughs, some shock appeal, a full meal and a funky good time? Volunteer as a guest at a friend's family reunion. This summer I had just an opportunity as me and one of my dearest friends took to the road to attend her family reunion in Opelousas, Louisiana.  Oh the wicked joy of entering the event venue and seeing the happy yet puzzled faces of her extended family members. You know the puzzled look, that says "whose child are you"? Too cute! I welcomed all of those free hugs and spent the day explaining that I was not family but a guest of their neice, cousin, etc. By noon, after a full meal and more hugs I was no longer a guest anymore.  I see myself often as an amateur anthropologist of sorts.  Because I've always enjoyed people watching, this reunion was a fantastic show being played out right before my very eyes in real time.  Unscripted and organic it was for me a treat to clearly see the connection my friend had with her maternal heritage. That one moment alongside my dear friend and her family helped me to appreciate and understand her all the more.  Here I could plainly see the stock that she came from, where much of the strength and resiliency she possessed originated from.  In the faces of her family members, faces that ranged in hues I saw and an unexplained joy to be in each other's presence.  There were games and an endless amount of dishes that had been prepared with much more than sweet sentiments but sincere love. I understood this to be the very first reunion of the siblings' children and these descendants of the Detiege family were much more than happy to be there, they were down right delighted to see each other.  All around me were men and women who more than likely encountered various challenges on a daily basis in their personal lives, yet they seemed so estatic to see distant cousins that they hadn't seen in years or quite possibly had never met.  There is so much to be said about the feeling of security that comes with knowing you belong to and are a part of someone.  All of the introductions were ongoing and pretty much facilitated a pretty bright idea, the use of name tags. I am not a name tag person, but I typically go with the flow.  I declined the offer to wear one deciding to forego the confusion by simply introducing myself as "Terrea, Marilyn's friend" or "Terrea, a guest of Marilyn".  The husbands/boyfriends got pretty swift with the whole introduction/name tag scenario by tagging themselves "so and so's husband/boyfriend." I thought that was a cute little concept. It made me smile knowing that these guys had a sense of humor amidst the heat. One of the highlights of the day was listening to their verbal history recounting the legacy of entrepreneurialship, longevity and the romance that ignited a lasting family.  I was moved with such emotion after hearing the story of my friend's great, great, great grandparents'. Her great, great, great, grandfather was so profoundly in love with her great, great, great grandmother that as the story goes, he defied his ethnic station in life and pursued a life with her remaining in slavery. My friend, as with many people from Louisiana, her great, great, great granddad was a white man who was much more than infactuated with a woman of color. He lived with her and after the plantation that they were living on was sold to another owner, all of the property which included the two of them and other families went to the new owner. In order to remain with his woman, my friend's great, great, great granddad, again a white man, allowed himself to be owned by another man for the sake of his woman. Wow! What a story! I enjoyed myself thoroughly that weekend in Opelousas, Louisiana.  I smile at the memory of the fun I had.  In fact, it was the height of the family reunion season and the hotel was full of at least two other families celebrating reunions during the weekend.  The hallways were abuzz with coordinating Tshirts, laughter and loud talking, trash talking uncles. It was entertainment heaven for me. I made a vow from that moment on to attend as a guest as many family reunions in the very near future as much as possible. I encourage everyone also to pay a visit a to one of your friend or co worker's next family reunion. Oh the places and faces you'll see, what fun and enjoyment you'll have! For all the free hugs I can stand and dinner, drinks and dancing I am hereby making myself available as a nanny, driver, event server or personal concierge. When you simply love people watching a family reunion is a low cost, great event to get some people adoration in.  By the way, I also had the privilege and honor of witnessing my friend receive her mother's spiritual affirmation that particular weekend.  Although her beautiful mother had been gone for years her presence was a very tangible blessing to my friend that weekend. It seems as if she received something of a nod of approval in the form of a bow-legged, mild mannered, six foot gentleman hailing from my hometown.  How adorable was it to see her giddy with excitement to have stumbled across a possible love connection celebrating his own family reunion that same weekend.  She never gets giddy at all! What an amazing fun weekend that was!

I See Kings

Okay, I have a confession. I see kings. Yes kings, not Martin Luther King or Rodney King or even Don King but actual kings. Well, no, maybe not actual kings such as Henry VIII but kings nevertheless. I have this uncanny sixth sense, as in the movie where the little boy proclaims in a dazed trance, "I see dead people." Well, I see kings. I've had this gift for quite some time now although I've never been adequately able to explain it.  I will give it my best attempt here.  On the inside of certain men resides a particular"something" that sets them apart yet blends them in among other men. I can honestly say that I have been truly blessed to have come in contact with a few unknowing kings. Now these aren't romantic dalliances merely a myriad of men that I've known over the years, friends, acquaintances, co workers, etc.  They moved about life without fanfare nor did they draw attention to themselves but once I was in close proximity, there it was.  There regal nature shone about them like a halo of sorts.  Within the first few encounters I could clearly see the king in them.  All of them are different but I can spot them a mile away.  They stand alone in a crowd. When they speak they actually have something to say. They work in a variety of professional fields and hold court wherever they are.  These men capture my attention and my fascination with them keeps me in awe.  I never understood what the interest was or why until I paused a little deeper to recognize that I wasn't noticing mere men but kings.  Strong, resilient, funny, talented, intelligent kings.  They all preside over distinct kingdoms of their own but nevertheless these gentle warriors were and are kings.  Some have families and some are solo parenting. Some work for themselves and others daily make their presence known on a job. Just like Lisa from Eddie Murphy's classic "Coming To America" I have the gift also, I see kings.  Where others see the common and crude for some reason I see men who possess the capacity to transcend the everyday.  I see men who rise above all that is trivial and petty.  I don't see perfection I simply see kings dressed in everyday gear and everyday challenges.  These men discuss, strategize and vent however they do not whine, ever.  Everytime I come into contact with such men I relish the moments I share with them.  Kings tend to uplift me, inspire, intrigue and envelope me in a serene sense of security.  Near them I feel safe.  They engage me without even trying.  They are mentally strong and spiritually sound.  I find that although these men tend to require attention its not of an exhaustive nature. Kings tend to require nurturing and careful handling.  They need to be challenged and offered a task or something to conquer or defeat.  They bring completion to things or won't rest until they do.  I do not know where this gift of seeing originated from but I clearly see them, appreciate them, value them and completely love being in their company every chance I get.  The downside of being able to see kings is when I see a king in someone who refuses to see it in himself or when I see a king in someone and think he's mine.  I laugh now reflecting upon my youthful moments of spotting a king dead on and wasting years trying to convince him of his identity.  What difficult and draining work.  Actually I don't know which is worse convincing the kings who lack clarity of their identity or to cease trying to find my king among them all. 

A Faith Based Bohemian

Lately I've been rediscovering the beauty of renewed faith at another level daily.  For a true bohemian spirited individual faith is not a concept but a lifestyle.  It is not a religious tenet nor is it a medium of exchange to get God to give me anything.  Faith is not a wishbone or a rabbit's foot, something to hold onto hoping for a gift from above. After fumbling my way through a few of life's ups and downs I've come to understand that faith is simply for me a way of living.  Trusting that every need will be supplied and every delight will be delivered is an act of faith. Once I removed the borders from my thinking on how I would like to live it all became crystal clear.  I may not know the specifics or the details to which things will unfold and its okay.  Its perfectly fine not to know. The bohemian spirit within is one that is free and uninhibited yet guided. This spirit is light and unguarded, childlike, trusting and joyful. When I yield to my inner spirit, my true identity I feel so much more at ease and myself.  This person quietly and consistently knows that all is always well.  This is faith.  The Bible that I was taught from says that "faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen." That is quite enough for me.  Anything more than that will tempt me to complicate matters more.  It is sublimely sufficient for me to know that I do not have to know it all, all that I truly need to know is the One who holds it all. I struggle to keep things simple. In fact I love the elementary version of faith as translated in one of those NLV Bibles, "now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  Come on, how easy is this?! I can't screw this up.  In fact my goal is to weave it into a personal manifesto for living fully. Now, as in each moment, I inhale what I see whatever the situation is and exhale in certainty what I hope for and take a step into what I've just exhaled. I have the Supreme Being of the Universe living in me in spite of all of my flaws, so if He breathed into a lifeless form of a man and expected him to live and maintain dominion I can and will exhale or breathe onto things in my life that aren't as they should be so that they will take form and function properly.  Yes, I like the sound of that, don't you?  It gives sighing a new and positive appeal.My only job is to show up for life.  I trust that in the little things and the tiny things, because they're all little when you try to see things from Divinity's perspective, I will always, always, always be provided for, guided and directed even up into the very instant that the need presents itself. This lifestyle demands me to steady myself in an envelope of peace so that I can be comforted at every moment, every crazy moment. I laugh to myself remembering just such a time when I was completely out of gas and money at how I was catching onto this newfound alternative lifestyle of faith. So its beyond sweltering outside and all I knew to do was to pull over to the nearest gas station and wait for the answer to come.  Yes, here I am in the heat of the day sweating like a pig yet never panicked.  I was so cute too in my sundress and shades although my hair was expanding by the minute.  I had just enough to buy myself something cool to drink and a snack so I did just that. I went inside purchased my snack, cooled off and returned to my thirsty chariot.  I sat there and simply waited for who should I call or what should I do to come to me.  I was literally out of money. It is still very funny to me how I maintained text conversations with friends as I sat there in that hot car.  Little did my out of state friends know I was actually texting them while in a Mazda sauna. So I sat, waited, chatted and texted as cheerily as I could and then I did it. I exhaled. After nearly an hour a dear friend whom I hadn't talked to in quite a while called wanting to share some very cool news with me.  I was so excited to talk with her and rejoice in her baby news that I was caught up and nearly forgot about my dilemma. As I continued chatting with her, I felt the green light within that my help had indeed arrived. I enjoyed catching up with her, laughing and grasping her newfound epiphanies and wanted to take her up on her offer to continue our visit but first I allowed my dear girlfriend an opportunity to rescue me.  It was settled she would arrive refuel the car and my spirit and all would be right with the world again as we continued our visit over wine.  Well, I would drink the wine and she would share more stories, as she is now with child and I cannot contribute to the alcohol intake of a poor unsuspecting fetus.  I was relieved and totally at peace awaiting my help as I sat there and enjoyed my drink.  Its funny now as I reflect upon her concern for me. I assured her that I would be just fine as I waited for her to come. I had a book, my journal and the heat was a wonderful weight loss catalyst. What more could I want?  This is a lifestyle of a pure faith based bohemian.  I'm catching on, losing weight, no releasing the weight and all is right with the world.

Adore Me

Most recently I've made a discovery and resolution that has me absolutely giddy! I have adopted a Cleopatra Mindset complete with a willingness to allow myself to be adored and doted on.  Gone are the days of seeking, praying for and cultivating a relationship.  I am momentarily pausing to simply be adored. I believe that I would be quite good at it too.  It ocurred to me one day that in all of my relationship snafoos and catastrophes I have yet to experience what it means to be cherished, doted on and pampered by a man. Wow. No wonder I feel worn out.  Strangely in all of my relationship fiascos, the average lifespan being 2.5 years, I was the caretaker, comforter and overall indulger.  Fast forward the years and here I am in need of a little TLC, void of any bitterness or resentment I declare myself ready to receive.  I've slowed down long enough to ponder a few things and I now find that I am completely receptive to the Law of Sowing and Reaping manifesting in my life, preferably my love life. Bring on the indulgences and all manner of favor available to a witty, wise woman has sewn generously into the lives of others.  Quite possibly this may be an issue of worth where in the past I did not see myself as worthy of expecting such treatment. It is a new day and a new shift in thought has made way for an open-arm embrace of all that is good in my life.  Adoration and not worship is what I am after.  I am the work of art from my heart that the world longs to pay homage to.  My spirit spreads sunshine all about and everyone that finds joy in the light I bring can't help but to reciprocate with glad tidings of some form. Everywhere I go people are looking for ways to be good to me. Doors are being opened for me. Opportunities are presenting themselves to me. Special accomodations are being afforded to me.  I expect men to show up as men in my life, strong, solid, protective, reliable, men of valor hunting down ways to make a way for me.  They are dancing around each other trying to get goodness to me. I am in a lounging position poised to receive without a care in the world.  Cue the music, pour my wine and guide me to my chaise as I relax into this new posture of receptiveness.

Working With A Pulse

So by now, everyone must be aware that I somewhat fell into my quasi-bohemian lifestyle following my last job kissing me goodbye ever so sweetly.  Its been quite a few months now and I have enjoyed every moment of liberation that split offered me.  When my previous employer chose to end our three year romance I was strangely prepared. I slept walked through the last year of my job like a bored housewife locked into a loveless marriage.  My position as an Admissions Representative with a local proprietary career college had long since turned into a business arrangement.  Just like a failing marriage, I remained on primarily for the paycheck.  I loved my students and the many people that I often had the opportunity to visit with on a daily basis.  I appreciated the opportunity to sit and listen to people from various walks of life share with me their desire to return to school or begin working towards further education.  Although the marriage between myself and my then employer was on life support, the passion for helping others navigate their way to a fulfilling life was an ever increasing desire.  When I finally parted ways with the school I worked for, my heart truly ached over going separate ways with coworkers I had grown to love and the students that inspired me.  My final day was a sweet goodbye and for the first time in a very long time I gave myself time to ask a profound question of myself, "what's next?" Of course, being employed and being able to cover my expenses was an important factor to me but somehow, the very idea of engaging in work that spoke to my heart and my spirit really excited me.  I believed then and believe now that it is a viable option. I chose to scale down as much as possible and went on an ongoing tour of sorts.  I visited friends and thought a lot about what I wanted to do next.  I never did arrive at a definitiv answer.  What I did decide was that I would continue completing a degree program that I had started years before and work on myself and my relationships in the most joyous manner possible.  I want to live my life on purpose and with passion with as much fun as allowed and then some. I want to smile more and spend quality time investing in creating a new relationship with my son who is now a young adult.  I want to laugh and giggle uncontrollably with my goddaughter and listen to her sister give her beyond her years opinion on relationships.  I want to marvel at my godson's growth as a young man.  I believe I can enjoy these pieces of heaven while spending my days engaged in work that make my heart sing. Work with a pulse revealed itself in a quasi-relocation to Texas through a contract position with one of the school districts I had previously worked for.  Joy taps me on the shoulder daily while helping high school ESL (English as Second Language) students better understand their English assignments and writing projects.  Pure, unexpected delight grabs a hold of me each time I work to find a way of explaining a concept to a young mind still grasping the English language. My days do have routine but the teachers I partner with allow me to bring my personality and passion along for the day while we prepare the students for successful lives and standardized tests. I hear a heartbeat in what I do daily and it is absolutely a joy to me.

Redefining My Life's Grind

After my job lost me month's ago I jumped for joy on the inside because somehow I knew the time was ripe for me to redefine my grind.  For so long I was unaware that I lived life by default with little to no definitive choices in the work arena.  After having my son whom I might add, my sun rose and set on , my life somewhat revolved around him for years.  All I knew at age nineteen as a new mom was that I did not want to fail him.  I worked a succession of jobs where my main criteria was that I would work days and could be home for him in the evenings.  I've been everything from an administrative assistant extraordinaire, sales associate, receptionist, leasing consultant, mentor teacher, program coordinator, marketing assistant, catering event assistant to a college admissions representative. I've always prided myself with exhibiting professionalism, stellar customer service and a tremendous capacity to learn quickly.  In each work setting I found myself in, I discovered countless things about myself that compelled me to grow.  Two things that I know for sure, I love to learn and I absolutely love people. I could not be in a workplace where I had little to no interaction with people. Somehow I think I'd go crazy if required to work in an office with no windows and access to people.  I've also had the opportunity to be mentored by some pretty fascinating individuals.  Somehow I don't believe many of them knew that they were actually mentoring me.  Without saying a word I watched in wonder those around me and pondered how their personal and professional lives intersected. As a young impressionable woman, I wondered if the women I worked side by side women were at all happy.  I knew that these older hardworking women were seemingly wise, but were they happy with the professions and the lives that they chose or had their lives chosen them?  Take for instance, in my very early twenties I shall never forget the lessons I gleaned from a handful of powerful women.  I worked at a local hospital in the Nutrition Services Department as the assistant to the Director.  Routinely, the very talented ladies who prepared meals in the dietary kitchen would stop and visit with me in the main office.  Usually they wanted to take a break and get off of their feet. Some days were nice short visits to inquire about any potential boyfriends I might have, but usually the lack of one, chit chatting about their families and of course comical comments on how I stayed so thin.  Other days which were sadly more frequent these culinary artists who cooked meals that nourished the sick of an entire hospital would come into my office and sit and complain of the many aches and pains their bodies were experiencing.  One day in particular, an ordinary day as it was, something interesting occurred. I received a lesson for a lifetime.  The director requested some forms printed up for one of the cooks so that her performance evaluation could be conducted.  While pulling up this particular form, my psyche was startled as I noticed this employee's date of hire. I simply could not get past the idea that this brilliant, vibrant, talented woman who had been employed as a hospital cook, a profession that is and always has been physically demanding for as long as I had been alive, at that point, twenty plus years. I wondered then and I still do now sometimes how had she ever started out on a path that would quiet her passions and challenge her body.  Many such women do what they must do in order to provide for their children. Years go by brutally assaulting their creativity and health while making the minimum payment on the monthly bills.  Back then I vowed to not become that woman.  I refused to throw away years of my life in back breaking work only to become bitter and spent.  Well time marched on and I did not become bitter but I was definitely spent.  I discovered that I had squandered my years on jobs that assaulted my creativity and stifled my talents.  I had become that woman who did what she had to do.  Of course, I sprinkled my various job descriptions over the years with my own unique style and personality.  I've always managed to infuse my work environment with as much positivity and optimism as possible without bordering on the nauseatingly stupid. Over the years I've recognized that being true to yourself in the work arena not only benefits yourself through authenticity but remaining true to yourself also has a profound effect on the lives of those you come into contact with whether you realize it or not.  Once my job lost me and my mind began to wonder about what career pursuit I might want to experiment with, I decided on two simple things: I would much rather a work pursuit that has minimal stress with the maximum potential of affecting the lives of others.  So here I am after all these years eradicating the pressure of the professional world with a genuine desire to redefine my daily grind.  I do not want to slip up and somehow have my life choose me, but I am proactively choosing the quality of life thats right for me at this place in my life.  I do this without shame.  I am beyond the hype.  I want to adopt the mantra of the Seven Dwarfs, I want to "whistle while I work." I want to be that older woman who makes everyone's day, the "Mary Tyler Moore" of the office, if you will. I want to redefine my daily grind.