Considering Disability Benefits

Of my many character flaws, and there are oh so many, one of them that I am actively working on is my tendency to be judgemental.  Sometimes even when my opinion has not be solicited I have this phenomenal knack for conveying it anyway.  Coupled with sarcasm I critique things that I have great difficulty understanding such as people who wear their pajamas out in public, the Kardashian epidemic, poverty stricken Caucasians who vote for wealthy elitist Republicans, CeeLo's wardrobe selections, twenty two year olds with an excess of four children and white male arrogance. Those are just a few things that I clearly do not understand but often find myself critiquing. Alas, I am a work in progress.  Rather than attempting to comprehend why some things are the way they are or why some people think or act the way they do I simply must learn to look away. Judging others is a job fit for God alone, clearly He is the only one equipped to judge. Maybe I am not judging others after all and there could be another suitable way to describe my inability to understand the mindset and motivations of others. When I discover what its called I will be sure to inform everyone. Perhaps there are so many others who are also suffering from this disorder.  Hey, maybe it could be called Chronic Failure to Comprehend Foolishness. I'm going with that diagnosis.  Yes that's it I suffer from CFCF. I wonder if I can get a check for that.  It may be labeled a disability in today's culture. My severe inability to understand prevalent foolishness may render me ineffective in navigating successfully in the world. Yes, I should definitely consider applying for disability benefits. If D.L. Hughley attempted to get the Black man on the endangered species list then surely I can apply for disability benefits for my Chronic Failure to Comprehend Foolishness. The least assistance that I believe I should afforded is an interpreter. Possibly an interpreter would be helpful in translating the widespread foolishness to me.

I have been experiencing some difficulty in the work arena lately and I truly believe it may have a lot to do with my CFCF. In an administrative yet academic setting I have the joy of interacting with a diverse group of people.  Both the students and their parents keep me on my toes.  Every afternoon as I have shared previously I spend time with a wonderful group of elementary aged children who are enrolled in an after school program. My evenings typically begin with the beloved front office. By the time I arrive the dismissal process is in full swing and in comes foolishness like with all of the flambouyance and verve of a flaming gay entertainer complete with theme music. Now mind you I love working with people. I enjoy the anti routine consistency that it provides, although many people may come in requesting the same things, different faces, voices and attitudes keeps things quite lively. Redundancy tires me so. I am extremely passionate about helping people and brightening their day while I do so. My CFCF usually flares up when I am assisting at the front desk and a parent who is obviusly off their medication comes in to voice a complaint or make what I consider an insane request. The chief insane request of them of all is to ask me what your child's teacher's name is.  I have been asked this question many times and it still baffles me.  I have been asked this over the phone and in person and I am dumbfounded. My CFCF truly renders me incapcitated in such situations.  In fact in most cases for a very brief moment I am left speechless, temporarily mute.  I know that a response is warranted but my clear confusion at the idiocy of the request has shocked my nervous system.  I am basically stunned, sitting there either holding the phone or staring blankly into the eyes of the unmedicated parent. I am wondering at that moment if it is a trick question.  The parent has to know their child's teacher's name and is just questioning me if I know. Yes, that has to be it, its a trick question. The only thing is the parent is looking at me with expectancy as if I am going to answer them any moment.  My CFCF kicks in the symptoms show up before I can try to hide my condition.  Sarcasm and/or cynism appear without my trying to convey it. Its a natural reaction for a person with Chromic Failure to Comprehend Foolishness.  Its something like tourettes.  You see it is beyond me why a parent does not know their child's teacher's name primarily for two reasons: the Thanksgiving holiday is in all of but one week, how a parent does not know the name of the chief adult that their child has been spending the most time with for over two months is insane and it is an elementary school which means their child should be fairly verbal enough to speak. Can the parent not simply turn to little Johnny and ask him what his teacher's name is? Without my realizing it I always end up conveying that either of those two thoughts to the parent which tends to stir them up.  What these people fail to realize is that I am not well.  I have CFCF. All of my counterparts can answer these strange questions completely unfazed but not me. This really could be a disability.  I am relieved to understand that I may not be overly judgmental after all, I have a disorder that quite possibly with proper treatment and/or therapy I too can thrive in society. Yes, I should really seek help. I am confident that after routine assistance my judgmental demeanor will soften remarkably. The next time a parent asks whether or not Halloween is an official school holiday (meaning the school is closed) so that she will have enough time to straighten her children's hair for a party later that afternoon, I can simply smile and answer "no ma'am school is still open for Halloween" as if that was the most common conversation ever on school grounds. After treatment I will no longer entertain ringing the unmedicated parent alarm and immediately contacting Child Protective Services.

The Evolution

Good morning!! In my blog I tend to share my thoughts about my life, my window into the world with hopes that my tiny personal revelations may also help someone else. I call them musings, meditations and a few rants thrown in from time to time to detail the fine art of allowing oneself to evolve in a f.l.y., funky, faith-filled manner. What does that mean? Pour yourself a cup of coffee & I will be more than delighted to share with you...

Evolving in a f.l.y. manner ("fearlessly and fiercely loving yourself", sometimes I enjoy acronyms) for me is the capacity & willingness to allow yourself to grow & expand in every area of your life from a place that is fearless & fierce. Fearlessly & fiercely loving myself is an ongoing journey. With my newfound football terminology it is a personal play that is defensive & offensive driven. Meditate on those two...fearlessly & fiercely. Loving myself fearlessly is a defensive move for me.  Although it is a struggle sometimes, I must do everything to saturate my life with all things positive. I go on the defense by bringing in all manner of optimism via people I surround myself with, things that I read, the social media I engage in, etc. By doing this, I am "beefing up my defensive line" so to speak. Positivity builds a wall against fear. Fearlessly loving myself is a proactive choice at every intersection of my life. It is a challenge to love or be in love and fear at the same time. In fact, it is downright impossible. I take the offensive approach by fiercely loving myself at all costs. When faced with a choice to love another over myself, I choose me, all day, everyday.  Loving myself fiercely dictates that I place myself on the top of my priority list. That is evolution for someone like me. Oh the ways you can grow when you love yourself with those two f's....

Evolving in a funky manner means that I commit to never, ever again allowing myself to "fake the funk". I dedicate myself to live in, speak & deal in my personal Truth at all times. My funk frees me and fuels me because it is steeped in authenticity. Living from a place of the funky truth is liberating. You see the truth isn't always pretty, clean and fragrant, but it definitely is what it is. There is a sweet solace that comes when you can tell the truth and nothing but the absolute truth to yourself if no one else about how you feel, what you want, what you feel you deserve and where you are right now in life.  

Evolving in a truly faith-filled manner describes a life that I am so desiring to live, a life of faith. Experiencing a limitless existence in the "substance of things hoped for & the evidence of things not yet seen" is a daily walk. Its not for the faint at heart. Its not for the individual who must have all the answers at every corner. I lived in that space at different intervals in my life & it was the most exhilirating experience ever! My desire is to make faith my permanent residence. This is an evolution....

Marital Must Haves

On the tail end of a splendid weekend spent with my family celebrating my youngest first cousin's union I'm left in a very reflective state. I know, when I am not pondering something or another. Well I am. These days I am very aware of myself, where I am on my personal path and the moment I find myself in. Should I be sharing it with you? Maybe, quite possibly some personal truth that I stumble upon may help someone. Who knows. Anyway my doll of cousin was such a site to behold. She was absolutely breathtaking. When I look at her I see the passage of time. My how time flies. Wow, she is not a little girl anymore. I am also no longer a young woman any longer. My thoughts wander to the ideals I once had about marriage, weddings, a husband and all of that happily ever after fairytale stuff. Things have changed. I have changed. Although I am still a hopeless romantic I am no longer as flighty and idealistic as I once was, well maybe not in matters of the heart. I pray that my cousin Danielle has before her more expectations than I do now of the fine institution of marriage. I think that she does as she is in her very early thirties, not nearly enough time to have accumulated as many regrets, failed expectations of relationships, etc. With this in mind I recall having a conversation with a friend concerning our marriage must haves, the absolutes, the necessities of a union following exchanged vows. We swapped our lists, laughed at each other and thought nothing of it. I tried to be as brutally honest as I could be. My friend and I are both at least forty, so the lists I noticed aren't as long as they probably would've been at age twenty five or so. So, here they are, my marriage must haves post age thirty five. Keep in mind this is a comprehensive yet brief list of things that are must haves for me personally. This list may be condensed by the time I am forty five I am sure.

1. Must allow me to be me. I am finally at a place in my life where I so love me, in fact I am totally digging me, all of me, the good, the bad, the ugly & if its all good with me, then I'm expecting a man that will step back and allow me to be the woman that we've both come to fall in love with.
2. Must possess an appetite for life. I may spend some time being engaged to the man but I welcome the man who will be engaged in life beside me. No sitting in front of the television for hours on end.
3. Must respect my idiosyncracies & complexities as I will his. Those things make us unique.
4. Must never ask "is that another pair of shoes?".
5. Must be willing to travel to places that I choose also. Yes, I may come up with the not so popular places to venture to but a willing travel companion in the form of my husband is non-negotiable.
6. Must not be selfish at all. I will want a bite of his sandwich, scoot all in his space, moodiness & selfishness will never do.
7. Must not compare my cooking to his mother's. It is an established fact that his mother's will always be better. There will be no kitchen competitions going on at my age. Enjoy both of our dishes and have a seat somewhere.
8. Must not come into the kitchen while I am cooking & attempt to take over. Participation is fully appreciated, but taking over drives me insane. Reminds me of my Daddy.
9. Must pray for me....I really need it. My husband should/would know me best or most intimately. Prayers can be offered in my presence or otherwise. I just would like to be the subject in a conversation between him and our Creator.
10. Must be fully committed to maintaining our brand of which I will be the chief spokesperson. No sending me to bootleg, kitchen table, substandard salons in a so called effort to "save money".
11. Must support my need to write and/or ramble....it's what I do. His primary support will be understanding this aspect of me and making space in our lives for this. Key, writers/ramblers love to read. He will understand that when I am frantic, he should offer me a book, or laptop and alone time. Just send me to time out.
12. Must allow me to build my own relationship with his child/children separate & totally apart from his. Vice versa.
13. Must not frown upon me having people over for the holidays (those holidays that actually exist & those that I make up on my own).
14. Last but certainly not least, must provide engaging intimate encounters on a consistent basis in alternative locations & well I will leave it at that....