So its been a while since my last update on my bohemian faith journey and my how very much I have learned. I have discovered that at my absolute best I am quite an attractive mess. I say an attractive mess because externally I believe that I'm holding up pretty well physically. The packaging isn't too frayed but my God am I a mess within. Thank God that the predicaments that I have an uncanny ability to find myself in don't show up on my face. A combination of good genes and trust in God has kept me somewhat aesthetically intact. I am a person with a fierce sense of loyalty and as the year comes to a close and I will take that into account as I conduct my yearly personal audit. I must find a way to offer that fierce loyalty to myself. Well, so much has transpired that I feel at a loss on exactly where to begin on little update. Lets rewind the tape a bit. During the summer months I had vacated a relationship that I believed simply wasn't working at all. I exited stage left in grand drama by leaving my then love interest with nothing more than his beloved New Orleans Saints chair in the middle of the room strategically placed in front of the television. For one, leaving the television was the right thing to do I believed because he had been good to me and he loved, loved, loved television, well ESPN. After months of taking two steps forward only to be pushed four steps back I surmised that our relationship simply could not nor would not work because we were two fundamentally different people and the likelihood of either of us changing was slim. I held onto resentment and bitterness like a pitbull as he held his ground as well. He was extremely loyal to me as I was to him, yet our love language differed greatly. We basically clashed on how we wanted to live, what I felt was acceptable and what was not. I was judgmental and prideful. He was relentless in his refusal to bend. Tenderness was not his strong suit. He was a phenomenal provider because his heart was a living, pulsating organ whose only function was to cover and care for. He was a man who actually enjoyed caring for others in his own unique way. I wanted for nothing yet desired to be treated compassionately and carefully like the lady that I am. He was not into doing that and was adamant in showing and telling me that "I was not that important" nor would he "place me on a pedestal". My lover simply failed to understand that I did not want to be placed on a pedestal. I wanted the pedestal that I already stood on to be respected. It was erected with a firm foundation in who God, my Creator designed me to be. I saw myself as valuable and of pure quality with a sense of self esteem that was/is ironclad intact. We went round for round. He let me down and I most assuredly agitated him to no end. I required things of him, expected a certain level of treatment and frowned in disgust at his blatant way of ignoring my hissy fits. Our moment of no return arrived on Mothers' Day weekend after visiting our respective families in Louisiana. I fumed at his responses to me that I believed were a ploy to annihilate my sense of self worth and self respect. I truly believed every word and argument was a part in a diabolical plan to break me down mentally so that I could perform and behave like the women he had more than likely become accustomed to dating. I vowed that I would not be controlled by a man! Our disagreements always ended with my feeling unheard, devalued, discounted and ignored. I believed that he would never make efforts to alter his behavior. The day after any argument he would without fail get up and prepare for work and kiss me on my forehead as he departed before me leaving a credit card for me. This act always infuriated me because along with the kiss and credit card there was never an apology, one of which I always believed I deserved. He always went on with his day as if nothing ever happened. I always found a way to stew over his transgressions, his faults and flaws, his inherent inability to treat me like the fine lady that I was. Did I mention that he provided for me very well after I relocated with him post lay off? Oh all of that was irrelevant to me as I made my getaway. At the end of a contract position without a new job awaiting me, fueled with 100% anger and bitterness I packed my bags and all of the furniture and fled the scene. The weeks that followed my exodus were a combination of emotions. I needed some time to come down from all of the adrenaline that came as a result of the non stop arguments. I worked on regaining a clear mind. I tried to reestablish some consistency in working out. I had created a self sabotaging self care regimen. I medicated the madness with wine that worked grossly against my cute quotient which invariably made me feel worse about myself. Within the relationship I saw myself as the victim, the person being "done wrong" oh so wrong and I focused almost entirely on him, his actions and inactions. Our mini dramas became the topic of nearly every conversation with my girlfriends. I deserved better I believed yet I was doing very little to attain it. I whined and complained to no avail. So after moving in with a friend I settled into a new life of struggle and confronting myself, the self that perpetuated problems within my own life. I did return to work and amused myself with the little people I spent my days with until the organization that employed me stressed me to no end. I found myself slipping back into a familiar pattern, winding down with much too much wine. Not good at all. I walked away from that school and job hunted to piece together an existence on my own. Financially I had now taken on a rental obligation that proved to be quite a stretch for me as I attempted to get back on my feet, which I never was quite able to do. Enter the fall, with a season change I vowed to pull myself together somehow and soar. I took up what I call "quilting" where I would valiantly piece together jobs to meet all of my expenses. In my mind I would keep doing it and doing it and doing it until somehow I was right side up again. I was staging a comeback. What I did not know then that in the midst of my comeback a heart cleansing would occur and I would see myself through different eyes. My current situation was not a situation afterall but a classroom that I had stumbled into. Now the time to prove just how teachable I was had come. Would I stop, look and listen in the aftermath of my mess?
No comments:
Post a Comment