Maid For This

Today I am in recovery mode from the stress of my newfound field trip. Tonight is a short reprieve from my toiling reality.  I would like very much to enjoy this weekend and allow myself the luxury of enjoying the gift of my girliness. When I have my hair done it seems as if immediately my spirits begi

n to soar. One day a couple of weeks ago while sitting out on the river on a lazy evening sipping wine I reflected on the pretty paradox that is my life. On one day I am on foot strolling to a bus terminal trying to be on time for my field trip and by that afternoon I'm toasting to my own resilence at a quiet table for one in a cozy little restaurant. My days are spent motivating myself to keep moving, to keep pushing through the sweat, frustration and warped existence that is my life. I talk to myself constantly throughout the day reminding myself that I am where I am for a reason. I tell myself that  I am grateful for the opportunity to rebuild. I indoctrinate myself with a rationale that urges me to believe that my life is beautiful as is. Things are unfolding as they should. I can handle this. I can retain a smile in the midst of my uncertainty. I remind myself that I am made for this. I am made for this. I show up for my field trip each morning with a positive mindset with a goal to spread sunshine until I am faced with my tasks for the day. As I mentioned before my current field trip as a "laundress" has me facing countless sheets and towels daily. Yes, I said "laundress" thats what I read Madame CJ Walker referred to herself as and well, I love the way she's quoted as promoting herself from the laundry room. Thats my goal to promote myself, so anyway I digress. When I receive my tasks for the day my smile seems to fade within to a pathetic "woe is me" frown. I want to cry out to God and ask "what have I done so wrong to deserve this?!?" I believe that I am qualified to do much more than clean hotel linen. Well, with that being said it appears that God must have agreed wholeheartedly because my realm of responsibility increased nearly overnight! I have recently been crosstrained in...housekeeping! The bottom has officially fallen out on my life. I have unequivocally hit rock bottom when I approached the hotel door, knocked and called out those dreadful words "houekeeping". I ponder to myself, what about this truly disturbs me most? I know that what I do to earn a living does not define me in the least, but what is it that disturbs me so much? When I walk into a room and survey the damage, empty the trash, scrub the tub and toilet, or make the bed I mentally remind myself that I was made for this. I can and will survive. I have survived far worse situtations than playing "Molly Maid" for pay. I am "maid for this". I will cleverly combine the pretty and the not so attractive components of my life. I will clean, scrub and polish my way into understanding the hidden lesson here. The lesson in all of this is hidden in plain sight I just know it. I am being rebuilt from within and it is difficult to go along with the process.  The process is painful at times and often uncertain. I am becoming up close and profoudly personal with the concept of humility. This little boho journey of mine is teaching me that nothing is beneath me nor am I above doing what I once deemed out of character for me.  I was" maid for this". I am tidying up my life, my concept of myself and my relationship with God.  I was "maid" to clear away the clutter in my conscience. I have everything within me to apply forgiveness, love and grace to those hard to get to corners of my heart. Maybe just maybe my life is a cute contradiction. One moment there is within me a lighthearted fondness of my struggle to keep myself optimistic and then there is this desperate plea begging for release from the very sam struggle and my safe return to a cushy desk job. For now I plan to will myself into believing that I was maid for this. My life of transition is not the pristine picture of positivity that I dream of but if I continue with the work of inner housekeeping I am most certain that things will fall into place meticulously.

Treasured Moments

It's that time again. It's been such long while. I wondered if I'd ever experience it again. On a lazy, Sunday afternoon I've finally had the opportunity to savor a treasured moment of peace to decompress mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I did mention that I started a new field trip recently that has been extremely taxing to say the least. My goodness, I have not worked so hard and for so little in so very long. I remind myself of how absolutely thankful I am for the mere opportunity and I choose to not allow my thoughts to wander back to the nine to five. On this fine Sunday afternoon I am finishing this glass of Riesling and sorting out my thoughts, concerns and needs. I am surrendering to the inner torment thats been rumbling beneath the surface of my soul. I am quieting my mind, getting real with some of the things that I have been running away from and acknowledging the issues in my life that need resolution. Have I also mentioned that I am a recovering people pleaser? I still have relapses from time to time where I experience bouts of "shoulds". In my mind I battle with all of the things that I should do or say in my relationships. I tend to work myself into a tizzy from time to time but not today. Today, this very afternoon is a treasured moment.  I am not fighting with myself or the expectations that I have of myself. I am relaxing, turning my brain off or at least turning it down a bit. I am allowing myself space to bless myself. This evening I am reminding myself that all is well. I am releasing my fears, frailties and ongoing flaws into the care of a kind and caring God, at least for today. This is a treasured moment where I realize that all that I am and all that I have is enough. Today I can breathe, inhale this moment and exhale any conditions and expectations.  This afternoon is enough. I've had enough to eat. I've visited with my parents, talked with my son and extended Fathers Day love to my dearest ones. I phoned my father and shared unconditional love with him out of the overflow that my Divine Father has made provisions for.  All thats left is to bathe my mind in uplifting words and phrases that will frame my days ahead. Today has progressed at a slower pace and for this I am thankful.