Maid For This

Today I am in recovery mode from the stress of my newfound field trip. Tonight is a short reprieve from my toiling reality.  I would like very much to enjoy this weekend and allow myself the luxury of enjoying the gift of my girliness. When I have my hair done it seems as if immediately my spirits begi

n to soar. One day a couple of weeks ago while sitting out on the river on a lazy evening sipping wine I reflected on the pretty paradox that is my life. On one day I am on foot strolling to a bus terminal trying to be on time for my field trip and by that afternoon I'm toasting to my own resilence at a quiet table for one in a cozy little restaurant. My days are spent motivating myself to keep moving, to keep pushing through the sweat, frustration and warped existence that is my life. I talk to myself constantly throughout the day reminding myself that I am where I am for a reason. I tell myself that  I am grateful for the opportunity to rebuild. I indoctrinate myself with a rationale that urges me to believe that my life is beautiful as is. Things are unfolding as they should. I can handle this. I can retain a smile in the midst of my uncertainty. I remind myself that I am made for this. I am made for this. I show up for my field trip each morning with a positive mindset with a goal to spread sunshine until I am faced with my tasks for the day. As I mentioned before my current field trip as a "laundress" has me facing countless sheets and towels daily. Yes, I said "laundress" thats what I read Madame CJ Walker referred to herself as and well, I love the way she's quoted as promoting herself from the laundry room. Thats my goal to promote myself, so anyway I digress. When I receive my tasks for the day my smile seems to fade within to a pathetic "woe is me" frown. I want to cry out to God and ask "what have I done so wrong to deserve this?!?" I believe that I am qualified to do much more than clean hotel linen. Well, with that being said it appears that God must have agreed wholeheartedly because my realm of responsibility increased nearly overnight! I have recently been crosstrained in...housekeeping! The bottom has officially fallen out on my life. I have unequivocally hit rock bottom when I approached the hotel door, knocked and called out those dreadful words "houekeeping". I ponder to myself, what about this truly disturbs me most? I know that what I do to earn a living does not define me in the least, but what is it that disturbs me so much? When I walk into a room and survey the damage, empty the trash, scrub the tub and toilet, or make the bed I mentally remind myself that I was made for this. I can and will survive. I have survived far worse situtations than playing "Molly Maid" for pay. I am "maid for this". I will cleverly combine the pretty and the not so attractive components of my life. I will clean, scrub and polish my way into understanding the hidden lesson here. The lesson in all of this is hidden in plain sight I just know it. I am being rebuilt from within and it is difficult to go along with the process.  The process is painful at times and often uncertain. I am becoming up close and profoudly personal with the concept of humility. This little boho journey of mine is teaching me that nothing is beneath me nor am I above doing what I once deemed out of character for me.  I was" maid for this". I am tidying up my life, my concept of myself and my relationship with God.  I was "maid" to clear away the clutter in my conscience. I have everything within me to apply forgiveness, love and grace to those hard to get to corners of my heart. Maybe just maybe my life is a cute contradiction. One moment there is within me a lighthearted fondness of my struggle to keep myself optimistic and then there is this desperate plea begging for release from the very sam struggle and my safe return to a cushy desk job. For now I plan to will myself into believing that I was maid for this. My life of transition is not the pristine picture of positivity that I dream of but if I continue with the work of inner housekeeping I am most certain that things will fall into place meticulously.