Dancing With Duke and Destiny

Okay so I've been battling some sinusy, cold like dilemma that has waged war against my body. Having retreated to my bed this weekend has actually been quite therapeutic.  Within I feel very well, its just that my body is not in total agreement with that status. Its a three way fight it appears between my body, spirit and soul and its pretty much a toss up right now as to who is winning.  My last few nights have not been pleasant at all.  Why is it that a cold always seems worse at night? Well, after dosing up with more icky cough syrup around midnight and fading to black sometime after 1:00 am a friend who works graveyards found it imperative to wake me up around 5:00 am.  I cannot return to sleep so here I am with a multitude of things flooding my mind.  My thoughts continue to shift to the three year olds I spend my day with and the elementary aged wonders I spend my evenings with.  Children are truly the greatest teachers.  It is absolutely fascinating how two completely opposite types of children can be so alike.  The truth of it is that they are so very much the same.  At the end of the day my Montessori friends hailing from well to do families and my little hood wonders from the lower income spectrum are at their core simply children in need of love, support and boundaries.  During the day I find myself attempting to master my Montessori lingo.  Always trying to remain positive, soothing and nurturing. It is indeed a fine line of accomplishing that while remaining stern.  I attempt to walk this tightrope daily and fail quite often but I get up again and again because in doing so I am learning much about life and myself.  Discipline, consistency and structure makes all of the difference.  What I've found to be so amusing is how I've struggled to balance both environments.  Again during the day I entertain Finn, Lillian, Alessandra, Stanley, Angelina and others such as Evan whereas in the evenings I work with Destiny, Prince, Alize and Sanaia.  Do remember the names have been changed to protect the innocent and the not so innocent. However, the names say it all.  I am charged with nurturing children from two worlds but they are all children.  By the time I arrive in the afternoons to my afterschool program I am met with smiles and hugs.  I am greeted so warmly because I never learned how to turn off my Montessori sing song voice from earlier in the day and these elementary aged kids actually love it! Many of these amazing kids stand eye level with me yet enjoy my asking them how their day was and expecting responses void of the adjective "good." I've found that they thirst for attention, affirmation and engagement.  My toddlers from earlier in the day have all of those things yet are without boundaries, consequences and discipline many of them have been over indulged to begin with.  Early in the day I am just as delighted to see Duke's smile as I am in the afternoon to jump rope with Destiny. Their smiles contain the same childlike joy and wonder. Their tears convey the same sadness and fear.  At the end of their day both sets of children return home yet home may be a completely different experience for each of them.  This dance between two worlds certainly keeps me on my toes and I love it.  Catering to the needs of two sets of children compels me to be creative, clear and quick with it. I admit I pour on an extra helping of gentleness and comfort to the likes of Sanaia and Alize because I realize that my nurturing may be the only kindness they receive that day.  Little Naomi, one of my Montessori friends is lavished with attention and indulged in it from every direction. Although I have yet to meet her parents seeing as I've only met her nanny, it appears to me that this little princess with a Texas-sized personality is greeted with smiles and warmth from everyone. How privileged is that? Smiles and warmth for every child, especially from one's parents should not be a privilege. When I set foot on my evening campus I notice that some of the teachers are yelling and hardened towards the students.  I understand their frustrations, Lord knows that I do but again, these are children.  With the right mixture of firmness and concern I know that any child can thrive.  It matters not where a child originates from as long as their experiences and encounters with the world around them validates their presence on the planet. I think that is part of my purpose. I am here to do that with each person I come into contact with. I must validate your presence on the planet.  On behalf of all of the other spirits who've arrived here and are actively involved in their work, welcome to planet Earth may your journey here be peaceful, productive and filled with love.  I say to Prince and to Tatum welcome, you are both welcome here. I am so glad that you've made it. Make yourselves at home. May your work be blessed. Yes, its an interesting dance that I stumble through daily as exhausting as it sometimes is, but dancing with Duke and Destiny has taught me so very much. Now, God please give me the grace tomorrow to return because somehow I feel You're going to turn the music up aren't You?

Dating The Montessori Way

I've recently made peace with the thought that I will indeed continue on with accepting my Mrs. sometime in the near future. In fact, next year I will seriously return to the dating world with a sincere interest in accepting my Mrs. Yes, yes I did say accepting my Mrs, not working towards it or pursuing it.  Somehow I still believe that what Divinity has designated for me is for me. I simply must position myself to accept it into my life.  Next year I will make my grand return to the romantic arena with a serious openness to a sustaining love.  After leaving yet another substandard relationship, not person, but relationship a few months ago I've chosen to take a year off from entertaining the idea of a serious relationship.  I can honestly say that right now I am simply not ready for the intensive work required of maintaining love.  In fact, I'm downright exhausted from the emotional, financial, and mental investments I've made into my last three relationships.  When I'm in, I'm usually all in. I'm pretty spent right about now, not bitter simply spent.  As I regroup and enjoy light hearted exchanges with men now, dates and conversations take on a different meaning because I am not attempting to create a relationship.  I enjoy hearing a male perspective on things and I so love the masculine energy that balances things out. When I come across some elements of character within a man that I can wholly appreciate, I file those traits away mentally for when I'm ready.  Lately I've discovered just a set of traits in a wonderful friend who is supportive and challenging at the same time.  His strong personality, stable set of values and morals, loyalty to family and old school work ethic certainly sets him apart.  Our conversations are always filled with laughter, verbal banter and mutual support. Having him as a friend has been a real blessing at this time of my life.  I am learning so much from him.  I truly look forward to next year.  When I consider how I'd like to share intimate space with another I laugh to myself at a new concept I've stumbled upon.  I've recently shared about my experiences at a Montessori school and the environment that I visit daily. Now remember Montessori is a scientific method of education, a philosophy of child development, and an approach to children that helps them maximize their potential.   The philosophy's main tenet is children have an innate capacity to absorb knowledge and do so best when they were free to work and play in a carefully prepared, nurturing environment.  Everyday I find myself on a campus with three year olds where I work to provide freedom and nurturing so that their optimal potential is realized.  I do so by using certain verbage and a communication style that is soft, soothing and supportive. Its taking me quite a while to embrace this medthodology but I love it. Yes, I love it.  One day I noticed how this very same science can be applied to all interpersonal relationships, especially romantic relationships.  I experienced yet another Aha moment.

So, I am so pysched about the opportunity to use my new set of Montessori skills on an unsuspecting male suitor. I welcome the moment that I can engage in heart "work", more Montessori verbage, with a progressive man who can appreciate a woman such as myself.  "Work" is the Montessori term used when referring to engaging in an activity that expands one's personal potential.  In the case of another human being, it isn't the man who is my work but the interaction with him that will allow me to expand my potential and grow.  I look forward to evolving and developing within from my future work with an engaging individual.   On campus with my little group of friends daily I am exposed to tons of Montessori verbage that I find fascinating.  Harsh language and rough tones are discouraged completely. In fact, all forms of negative conditioning, judgement and demeaning behavior is excluded from a Montessori environment.  I am thrilled by the interesting things I have learned about human development by simply being in such an environment.  I've discovered the unique way in which young children hear and interpret a request.  The delay that comes about when asked to perform a task is not defiance but a moment to simply process what has been asked of them. I see now how impactful words really are. Words are connectors for them. Wow! This is so important to remember. It has revolutionized my way of thinking. I have to work hard now to remember not to say what I do not want but rather what I would like to experience. Rather than saying "Lillian don't throw throw the books" it is a far stretch to remember to kindly recommend "Lillian our books are for reading."  When one of my tiny friends has a confrontation with another where their personal space is infringed upon, I hear the words "walk away." Hitting and aggressive behavior is frowned upon as it disrespects both parties.  Gentleness is encouraged. The phrase "be gentle with your friend's body" is suggested.  There are always messages that humans are attempting send to each other, either verbal or non verbal.  Rather than assuming that another has received and accurately interpreted a message, friends are encouraged to determine if they have heard a teacher message.  I can totally see how this can be incorporated into heart work with a real, live man. Not that I am comparing them to toddlers but well, men do have this childlike simplicity that I have often overlooked thereby overcomplicating things.  Like children, men have a wealth of words and verbal skills that can be called upon to use when challenged to do so.  Men can express themselves. Men can rise to the occassion when it is expected and required of them. I must remember this time around to suggest that to my next love interest.  How wonderful an opportunity it would be in due season to be able to speak softly, kindly, tenderly and in nurturing manner to someone I can share intimate space with. Oh how calm that space would be.  When the exchange crosses over into a volatile or negative area, I imagine how healthy it would be to diffuse it and transform the atmosphere by infusing it with soothing and kind words.  I laugh to myself at this idealistic thought.  I have yet to meet the man who would embrace this thought process.  I can hear myself saying to my impending lover, "Honey this exchange is becoming a bit intense I think that we both should walk away and calm our bodies." My how it sounds sublime but completely unrealistic, or is it?  Is dating the Montessori way a figment of my imagination? Is it too lofty of a goal only to be implemented with children? Would a grown man not be able to appreciate it? Would a grown man actually be repulsed by such language and believe that I'm being condescending? I think to myself who wouldn't want to be respected and spoken to warmly? Who wouldn't appreciate being in such close proximity with a nurturing individual such as myself?  I am amazing afterall and will be so much more amazing next year after all of this Montessori has marinated in me. 

Suffer The Little Children

Am I the only one who receives answers to prayers in the funkiest of ways?  It must be me, I know it.  I asked for expanded faith, increased trust in Providence, patience and all of those lofty and idealistic nice things that one should ask for and in comes "Abby." The names have been changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent in this case. For those of you who know me personally I try to create my own reality by renaming the details and descriptions of particular life experiences.  My closest of friends are quite comfortable when I refer to my job as my daily field trip.  Lately my field trip has also been quite a Sunday school lesson as well.  Desiring something new or at least a little different from any environment that I'd worked in before I decided upon a Montessori school working with three year olds.  I thought that this course of action would be a delightful romp.  I could work with children and make money and also learn about a teaching philosophy that I was curious about.  I had heard of the Montessori philosophy but had zero experience with. When I came aboard as a Teaching Assistant at a day school in the artsy museum district I was extremely optimistic about the adventure ahead of me. See...I am a very positive person! Well, I was in for the lesson of a lifetime.  The words in the Bible where Jesus proclaims "suffer the little children to come unto me" echoed in my brain like a taunting mockery that was now before me.  I met a group of adorable, interesting and curious little three year olds.  These lightbearers who have obviously been here before captured my heart with their loving and lively personalities.  My days begin with the likes of  Lillian, Finn, Dudley, Angelina, Abby, Tatum, Edgar, Alessandra, and all of the other little wise beyond their years wonders.  When I enter the campus I am greeted with hugs and a host of "hello Miss Terrea." Gosh, that does wonders for a person's countenance to be greeted so warmly and with such sincerity each morning. This makes my heart full but there is always a but.  Most days are a dizzying pace of confusion, chaos and coaxing.  Enter Abby, my pint sized nemesis.  Abby has had a distinct way of vexing me beyond belief. As with many of her classmates Abby has a defiant, spoiled, unhindered way about her that has made my days brutal.  The Montessori day school where I spend my days entertaining and being tutored by Abby and her compatriats is a haven for the pint sized privileged.  Abby and her friends' are boho chic, the offspring of the well to do hippie progressive set.  Abby has not yet discovered boundaries.  Her freedom of expression is exercised quite often.  This little girl has turned into the bane of my existence.  My smile drops when I notice that Abby has graced us all with her presence today.  Oh the joy in realizing that Abby has returned for another day! Yes she is a vision to behold!! I have yet to ever see Abby, sweet, sweet Abby without some green or yellow mucus flowing or possibly dried up on her nose.  She is a one girl version of toddler tyranny.  Most of the days with Abby are spent constantly redirecting her behavior in some form or another. Although I am a novice at the Montessori philosophy and verbage, using it with and on Abby has been a constant source of frustration.  Anyone familiar with Montessori understands that it is an educational philosophy centered on allowing children's innate capacity to absorb knowledge.  Montessori environments are designed to encourage optimal learning where children are free to work and play in a carefully prepared, nurturing environment. The key words are freedom and nurturing.  All day long I am a facilitator of that freedom while nurturing and soothing.  This ideal sounds wonderful doesn't it? The challenge comes in when ushering this freedom to the likes of little people who again aren't acquainted at all with boundaries.  So in my best and most sing-song voice I provide choices to Abby as she defies any and everything while doing so walking around oozing infection.  Picture my frustration using the Montessori verbage that I've absorbed and mimicked from the other teachers.  "Abby feet on the ground please", "oh my friend Abby please be safe with your body", "Abby wood chips belong on the ground, not in your mouth" "Abby its time to rest now, would you like help for me to help your body lay down or can you do it yourself?"  "Abby please be gentle with your friends' body"  These directives in and of themselves aren't a problem at all.  However, they become a major sore spot when repeated over and over and over again within an hour to the same sweet, sweet, sweet little Abby.  Her ickiness has reached an all time high.  You see in addition to her defiance and yellow and green constant drainage Abby also has a fascination, a disturbed fascination with casting aside the need for undergarments at a moment's notice.  She will fling a pair a little girl princess panties to the wind in a minute and parade about.  Nothing new I am sure to the progressive set.  The progressive parents and teachers want to instill a relaxed sense of comfort with one's body.  I just have never experienced the sight of a two and a half year old pausing to pleasure herself in the middle of a classroom.  This behavior has puzzled me so.  Much of the behavior, tantrums and temperaments of these toddlers have perplexed me.  On one hand I feel I am surrounded by mere geniuses who have absorbed an enormous amount of information from the world around them.  They are extremely articulate, some with outstanding verbal skills and reasoning ability. These kids could engage any adult in a lively and entertaining dialogue. I'm sure of it.  On one hand I witness highly evolved little lovable beings, well maybe except Abby and on the other hand I see in some of them future residents of a drug rehab facility. I understand that meltdowns are normal for toddlers who may not get their way from time to time but wow. Little Angelina's meltdowns look more like a scene from a bad movie as she flings puzzles from the nearest shelf she can reach.  When restricted from doing so or asked to pick them up in my most loving Montessori tone she spots the nearest movable object and continues throwing things. Now I consider myself pretty progressive but there is a line between being progressive and allowing for behaviors that will someday backfire on you.  I think that children who fail to learn appropriate limitations at an early age are started on a difficult path ahead.  I sit and ponder that the behaviors I witness cannot be due to the Montessori philosophy at all but could it be that its partially due to being reared in over-indulged households.  Over and beyond that I still stop and ask, God what are You trying to teach me in all of this?  I believe that absolutely nothing happens for no reason at all.  There is a reason, even some minute reason for allowing me to cross Abby and her friends' path. There is a lesson in all of this.  There must be a lesson.  These must be a reason for allowing my days to end in such utter frustration.  There must be a reason for migraine headaches before ten o'clock in the morning.  There must be some meaningful lesson for me in all of this. I looked beyond little Stanley asking to see my nipples but again, there must something I should retain from this experience.  Sidenote, the following day after Stanley's nipple inquiry I suppose I wore a dress that proved to be too much for him.  Stanley simply hauled off and groped my girls. Being sexually harassed by a two and a half year old has to have some greater meaning, some inner lesson. I have yet to discover any of them.  Yes we want to instill in these little ones a healthy respect for their bodies but my body must also be respected Stanley. 

While driving home one afternoon and foregoing happy hour I pondered what this all means. "Suffer the little children to come to me" came to me. Those were the words that Jesus spoke so long ago when His disciples were trying to keep them at bay.  Suffer in that sense meant "to permit" or "to allow."  Okay, yet again this spiritual perspective always has a way of making me feel pretty bad.  So Jesus was saying "its okay let the kids come, cause I love the kids" and here I am pleading with God to get me away from these kids.  One of history's most influential and greatest spiritual teachers welcomed and embraced the icky kids and here I am trying to run from them.  Well, it appears that there is indeed a lesson to be learned here.  I won't suffer because of the children but will suffer the children. They are my appointed tutors at this time sent to instruct me.  Breathe and receive the lesson here. Its taking me some time to discover it but once I find what is it I am to learn from I will receive it and try my best to apply it. I hope. But God please, please don't let Abby get her ickiness on my clothes, please.

Not So Pretty Afterall

God has such an interesting sense of humor.  I just know that He gets a major kick out of my little prayer requests.  At this point in my life my conversations with Divinity have this "Eat, Pray, Love" aura about them.  Quite like author Elizabeth Gilbert's thirst for a tangible experience with her Creator and her life itself, I also hunger to be more connected to my life and its Source. My desire for connection is on a more personal level beyond the walls of a church or place of worship. My inner conversations with God where I ask for certain things or experiences are truly heartfelt for me and I assume hilarious for heaven.  Most recently I asked that my faith be increased and expanded, that my trust be elevated and the personal limitations I've lived within be removed.  That had to have Him beside Himself in laughter I'm certain of it.  I know that God loves me and like a father, the masculine side of Him that is not ever moved by emotion simply shakes His head I am sure and chuckles to Himself at the silliness of some of my heartfelt requests. My Creator knows me inside and out.  He knows all that I am and aspire to be, yet my emotional pleas do not move Him one bit.  I know this for certain because if they did, I would most likely be married by now.  I digress.  Divinity's presence in my life offers support, consolation and comfort yet does so without complete ignorance of who He's working with at all times. The Mother in my God tenderly comforts me and the Father in my God logically confronts me.  His voice almost sounds like that of my daddy when I come to Him with some bull.  Yes I said it.  When I approach my daddy, meaning the man who raised me, with an emotional appeal I am met with a blank stare and what I believe is a crude observation.  My daddy can be a bit rough around the edges to put it mildly.  For example years ago in my twenties during a very brief, unthought out engagement I saw a particular wedding dress that I simply had to have, never mind I knew the marriage was not meant to be, the dress was meant for me though.  I asked my daddy for the finances for this particular work of art detailing to him how the flowy chiffon skirted ballgown would look on me.  I went on and on about the fabulousness of this dress to him. I showed him pictures of the dress, the front and the rear view with full details of the train and all.  I showed him pictures of me wearing the dress.  I received no absolutely no response from him.  The man took another drag of his cigarette and continued watching the television. He sat there unmoved.  Seeing as I was getting no response whatsoever, I felt I had to up my emotional plea a few notches. In my most emotional tone I shared with my daddy "this dress will make me feel pretty" and I just had to have it.  Completely unmoved as he knocked the ashes into the ashtray, his only response was "how pretty do you think you can feel in a less expensive dress, cause you aint getting that one if I have to pay for it and definitely not to marry that clown."  Did he just tell me no? Did my daddy not understand the importance of my feeling pretty? Clearly, he did not nor was he moved by tears, yes I did cry. I was a bit overly dramatic in my exit.  He was truly insensitive to my needs.  The only thing that I could do of course in a situation such as this was turn to my mother who understood my need to feel pretty. She did and she magically bought the dress that I never wore because I, of course called the wedding off six months prior to the date.  Did I feel foolish, yes.  Have I ever admitted it to my father? No. This memory truly makes me understand all the better the masculinity in my God.  His understanding of me is so unfiltered by emotion yet grounded in total understanding and logic of his love for me.  God, my ultimate Father always answers my prayers in the most uncanny, distinctive ways.  Without music or fanfare, in comes the lesson to deliver aspects of those requests. 

I still approach my Source with some bull from time to time.  Yes, again, I said it, some bull.  I naively and immaturely, at age forty still ask for things and experiences that I have no idea that I am unprepared for, cannot manage, or unable to understand the full magnitude of.  When I'm in my bratty mode I ask for bull, things that sound so great, lofty and spiritual that I am nowhere ready for.  Months ago I did such a thing.  I asked to live a life of complete abandonment, liberated, spiritually centered where my gifts can be used. Wow, doesn't that sound so enlightened, so spiritual, so above the base concerns of the world? It was heartfelt, yet I had no real clue of what I was asking. I honestly believed that I was not living yet existing.  My ill-conceived relationship, one that I had invested much in was on life support and failing miserably.  Although I was larger city than my hometown and had much to offer, I was severely discontent with the life that I was leading.  I wanted more.  I wanted to live by faith for real. How cool did that sound?  Was I ready for what it would mean? Nope.  Charged by emotion, I exited stage left from the relationship wishing him well and hoping for the best.  Somehow in my emotionally charged exit and profound optimism I stepped over the thought that the guy who wasn't working out was also covering the living expenses and my contract with the school I was at had just ended.  I was determined to move ahead yet it appeared that I was going backwards in different areas. Again, here's where I envision my Divine Daddy unmoved by my silly emotions turning and looking at me as tenderly as possible and shaking His head thinking to Himself, "look at her, she has no idea."  Somehow I knew that it would all work out for me but I wanted it to work out pretty.  There goes that word again, "pretty." I wanted God to answer my prayer for personal progression and liberation with a pretty little tidy bow so I could live happily ever after.  Well, thanks Divine Daddy for working all things together but I am so not feeling pretty, nor are any of the details flowing perfectly into place in a timely manner.  Where's the job with benefits? Where's the romance? Where's the heroic theme music chronicling the life of woman getting her life back? I'm not feeling pretty at all. There goes my daddy's voice again "how pretty can you feel in a less expensive dress, especially if I have to pay for it?"

Crumb Snatchers

"Be grateful. While you are complaining about your one and only loaf of bread there's someone out there wishing they had but the crumbs from your lonely loaf."-  Pastor Remus Wright  Those words this morning shook me to my core, challenged and convicted me beyond reason. When I consider the things in my life that have concerned and caused me unnecessary grief, I am humbled. Be grateful. How often have I lacked the notion of showing adequate appreciation for every situation I find myself in. In all things I must decide to be thankful. So simplistic. So sincere.  As I sat in church this morning my complaints were quieted.  The confusion and questions within about any challenges I may be encountering can all be settled with that one divine directive, be grateful. Everyone please don't leave me out here hanging all alone.  Tell me there are a few others out there who have thankfulness issues. The good life can be summed up in discovering ways to truly find contentment in all things daily, the tiny things and huge things, in everything be thankful. Accept the life we have, love it, live it and leverage the limitations within it for the good.  Work with what you've got. I've heard this before as I am sure so many others have also, but somehow I tend to get off track.  Its all about perspective actually. Normally I try not to focus on the lives of others. I make every attempt to remain in my own lane.  However, Pastor Wright's words this Sunday morning stirred up something within me.  That "something" has caused me to look within and to look around me.  I look within and I see where I've dropped the ball. I see where I have failed to truly walk in appreciation for my place in my personal journey in life at this time.  I can clearly see where I have failed to make the most of the opportunities, connections, relationships, talents or time allotted to me. I've squandered some of my portion. I've cast my pearls before swine far too often. I've let some things go that I should've kept a close eye on.  I look around me and I see where, oh my goodness, things could be so much worse for me.  I look to my left and I am humbled.  I look to my right and my mouth is shut, my head is hangs low in utter shame.  Yes things could be far worse. I think of my wonderful son who is turning twenty-one in a matter of days. I think of the things that concern me most about him, things that I've cried over many nights. I recall the anxiety that I've held within wondering would he be okay? Will he thrive in this world? Did I fail him? After those crucial words spoken this morning, "be grateful" I could just slap myself to snap out of that mode.  I hold my son's face in my mind right now and I can see his smile, which makes me smile. I think beyond any doubt whatsoever, that there is indeed some mother somewhere who would gladly trade places with me. My concerns for my child, although they are very real and very valid are of no consequence to the mother who has absolutely no idea where her son is right now. There is a mom someplace who would trade places with me in a minute for my set of circumstances. She's more than likely on her knees trying to figure out how to raise the money to bail her son out of jail. Be thankful Terrea. Someone would give anything to have your portion. With this in mind, I'm making it my personal mission to make the most of everything that I have, to love it, live within it and to leverage whatever it is beyond the limitations.  Somehow along the way I've lost my hunger, my eagerness and thirst.  When you have that one loaf of bread you seem to lose an appreciation for it.  You lose your creative vision for that loaf of bread.  You forget all that what you can do with that loaf of bread.  You forget that you can make french toast, toast and jelly, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, grilled cheese sandwiches, or in the case of my dad, bread pudding.  He always has a habit of making bread pudding of the leftover bread, etc. Take what you've got, put what you can with it and create something yummy with it.  So what if all you have left are crumbs. There's something to be said of what one can do with crumbs. Crumbs are an indication that there is something left that you can work with. If you don't, trust me, someone else will. Yes someone else will, the crumb snatchers.  We all should adopt the mentality and enthusiasm of the crumb snatchers. That's my goal, to establish and maintain a crumb snatcher mentality.  As I sat in church that thought resonated within  me and I flipped in my Bible, yes my Bible, a book I'm a bit familiar with. I found the passage in Matthew chapter fifteen where it talked about this woman from Canaan who needed something desperately from Jesus.  This woman approaches Him and asks for help but she isn't from Jewish descent, the house of Israel, the group of people that this Messiah sent to. Jesus' response to her was something of the nature that "I'm unable to break you off any of the children's bread and cast it to the dogs." I loved this woman.  She answered Jesus in such a humble yet matter of fact tone by saying something sort of like, "Lord even the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from the master's table." I love this!!!  My goodness she so got what she was after after that response.  When I read that I took it in wholeheartedly and said to myself, now that's the attitude I need to have going forth. The crumb snatcher's mentality says that "I will take whatever's left and work with it." Whatever's left of my pain I will transform into a platform to push me to where I want to go. I will learn to love every aspect of the leftovers. I will learn to take the leftovers of everything in my life, warm it and serve it in my finest china, enjoying every morsel.  A crumb snatcher is not to be played with. They are eager to seize the remnants of what other's have cast aside or ignored.  I guess its just the dog in them, but I'm choosing to connect with my inner canine and do the exact same thing.  Have you ever mistakenly dropped a piece of food near a dog? That dog more than likely did not sit there beside you and devour your piece of chicken.  More often than not, you're going to miss him if you don't watch closely. Before the piece of whatever food hits the floor you may catch a glimpse of the dog's tail as he jets out the door or under a table to enjoy his treat. Basically, this dog knew that you obviously weren't paying as close attention to the treat as you could have or should have been. A crumb snatcher will catch you slipping and will make the most of the luxuries you waste.  Yes, the luxuries are the things we possess that not everyone else does and we take for granted.  I want to be a crumb snatcher, always on the lookout for opportunities to take what others have discarded or disrespected and as Ray would say "make it do what it do." I come from a long line of crumb snatchers, I suppose I must reconnect with the dog in me. Its all a matter of gratitude. Gratitude savors and transforms the small things.  Even if you're seated at the table, please do not think of yourselves too highly. Be grateful. Always remember that the house you neglect and fret over, there's a crumb snatcher just waiting for a chance to get in there wash some windows and make a home out of what you hate to return to. Be grateful. The husband that you complain about, neglect and discount, there is a crumb snatcher wishing for just the remains of a man that you set aside. Don't get caught slipping, ever.  The woman that you overlook, disrespect and discourage will be swept away before the ink dries on the divorce papers by a crumb snatcher who's ready to appreciate every aspect of her. Be thankful. As for me, no more complaining and griping about the job, I'm thankful! In fact, on my way into the classroom on Tuesday I plan to excite myself beyond recognition by conjuring up all kinds of creative ways to transform what would otherwise drive me near insanity with those four year olds. Yes! I think I will figure out ways to capture the chaos and change it into something entirely different altogether. I will not take this opportunity and every one I encounter for granted but will make it work for me. I will be grateful.

Who Do You Love?

So in my quest of a more authentic life where I am able to be transparent with the most important person in my life, myself, I am learning to laugh at my folly. My relationship mishaps, shambles and disasters have left me at this age bursting at the seams in laughter yet hopeful.  So as long as I do not end up on the dating site reserved for "older adults", I think its called "Our Time" there is always hope.  The pursuit of love at or after age forty appears to be interesting to say the least.  Right now I am on a bit of relationship hiatus, taking a breather if you will from the exhaustive work of maintaining a relationship. When the time is right and I am fully prepared to return to full time duty I question the options available to me.  I believe that the sky is the limit but when contemplating putting your heart out on the market once again, you kind of need to be aware of what you may encounter while inviting potential candidates to court you.  My past attempts at sustaining love were crash and burn scenarios that ranged from pseudo-Lifetime Movie Network movies of the week to romantic comedy sitcom installments. The average shelf life of my past relationships seem to have fade to black after 2.5 years. I've been left to ask myself if I in fact have what it takes to make love last at least until vows or exchanged. Honestly at this juncture I am reconsidering what I desire most. Who do you love? Opening my heart to love again fully and freely will require a great investment in myself.  I'm reevaluating just how much I've claimed to love myself before in the past, critiquing my vision of myself and exactly how I want to live beside a man who shares beliefs and passions with me.  As I find myself in a very different stage in life where I am increasingly more accepting of myself, how accepting am I of others?  What can I contend with or tolerate? The closer one gets to forty the "who" of who they are has already been shaped and molded into their personality.  The basic fundamentals of that person has been solidified, so gone are the days of falling in love with potential.  People rarely change after this age.  People can change but primarily only of their own volition. I want to bring all of me, the fabulous and faulty frailties to the table knowing that I am accepting and appreciating that of another. Today I am on a "get it right, get it tight" mission before I allow myself to seriously consider settling down mode.  I love my free spirited approach to life and its inevitabilities.  The average man may not be able to appreciate this about me. I am unwilling to change or trade in this new mindset for the menial possibility of being with the average man.  So who do you love once you've settled into yourself and have found yourself completely amazing? Who do you love once you've acknowledged and accepted the pretty and the not so pretty aspects about yourself? There is an overflow of love spilling forth from me and I expect a saucer of a man to step my way in due season.  I am that piece of fine china, the teacup filled to the brim with idiosyncracies, faith, frailties, class, substance, a few fears, creativity, love, love, love and more love, a dash of resiliency and tenderness.  This flavorful brew is meant to overflow onto the sturdy saucer meant just for me. My saucer will provide the loving support and add to the stability that my Creator always supplies.  I look forward to it when the timing is ripe and after I've gotten some things right and tight within emotionally, financially and physically. I still have a burning desire to bring some things of value to the table.  I am better able to answer the question of who to love when I place myself first and by removing the conditions in which I love and allow myself to be loved. The satisfaction I intend to give and receive begins with me.

Blending Is For The Birds

The other day, I'm not quite sure when, I read this sentiment and it resonated within me with a blaring intensity. "When in doubt, move further away from center. Exaggerate your difference and try to stand out more! Blending is so boring!" I cannot recall the author, but I believe its Kimora Lee Simmons' words.  After living a life of accomodating the opinions and feelings of others entirely too much, it became a bit too taxing to say the least.  If at every corner you find yourself constantly questioning the appropriateness of an action based upon how it will make others feel ad infinity, its time to make a change.  I have finally arrived at the point of no return where that ideal is of little consequence to me.  Bidding farewell to the safety of meshing a little of myself with a little of what others thought that I should be or do has revolutionized my thinking.  This has lifted me to heights within unheard of before.  I love experiencing myself in full technicolor.  The watered down safe version of Terrea is bland and base.  There is absolutely no fun in playing it safe, not wanting to offend others to the point of filtering my every thought, word or deed.  Being an authentic woman has settled me in Divinity's opinion of me which requires no blending or mixing of motives, mentalities or agendas.  What? I get to be me totally and completely all of the time?! Who knew! I now look forward to ways to exaggerate my differences and celebrate my unique brand.  I am as Maya Angelou decribes in her "Phenomenal Woman" poem, "I am not cute nor built to suit a fashion model's size; I don't shout or jump about or have to talk real loud." In my youth I did not appreciate nor embrace those things about myself but my womanhood has allowed me to wrap my arms around the aspects of myself that set me apart from others. I love the fact that I am unique and my height and curves separate me from a fashion model's size. I love, love, love that I don't talk really loudly and that at times you may need to focus closely to hear what I'm saying. How grand is that? I get your total attention. Emphasizing and accentuating those pieces of myself that others may view as a liability is a splendid challenge I'd say. So instead of retreating quietly into obscurity or blending into the crowd so as not to draw too much attention to what I may be lacking, I applaud what everyone else claims is a deficiency. Thank You God for wisdom with age.  Blending should be reserved for painting and two families coming together under one roof.

The Eternal Optimist & Her Shoes

Okay so I admit it, try as I may, I am not always the happy go lucky single woman smitten with life itself.  I have days that just won't cooperate with my positive attitude.  I have those days that defy my divinity. I have those days where I'm simply not feeling my prettiest nor my most powerful. Over the years I've tried countless things to muster up enough motivation to conquer a mundane, just "tryna make it" kinda day. I would create a playlist of songs to push me over my internal pessimism.  This usually does the trick and lightens my spirits. I love all musical genres. I save melodies that speak to my soul and quiet the flood of internal dialogue. I need music to drown out the dilemmas that go around and around in my mind.  I have questions that at times I am unable to answer, things that I have to yet to clarify and the urgency I place on myself is unrelenting.  Music soothes me but there are moments that not even my playlist can pull me from the pits of doubt. Fear and anxiety at times sometimes cloud my judgment of just how wonderful I really am.  Contemplating the sparse relationship options available to me at this place in my life can sometimes throw a girl into a bit of a tizzy and on a bad day, I admit I've been known to doubt how perfectly full of wonder my life is right now as is.  So when my playlist can't cut it I go into my closet, yes my closet; not my prayer closet, although I do make a habit of retreating there often, but my actual closet. My countenance has a way of instantly floating when I fling open the door to my closet and say hello to my friends. Shoes are my friends and like friends, good friends, that is, you don't need many....quality over quantity. Being a rather height challenged person, my friends do more than enhance my height they also lift my spirits.  A well chosen pair stilletoes at just the right moment can be a spiritual experience. I am so far beyond Cinderella when slipping on a pair heels and twirling about. I instantly feel better, lighter, liberated and sexy! Yes sexy! As a sensual and ultra feminine being, I revel in moments when I am feeling my most feminine.  When I am in this state of mind, its much more than fashion but a crazy feeling that I can do most anything even perhaps leap tall buildings in a single bound. Well, maybe not, but Superman had a cape and I have heels.  In my heels it appears that my passionate disposition is turned all the way up. Within I am levetating above limitations and transported to space where all is right with the world and limitations are non existent.  My friends, my shoes return me back to state of eternal optimism again and I'm happy once again. Never say its just a pair of shoes, remember our girl Cinderella and Dorothy.  When I opt out of my own closet and need a quick pick me up I visit all of the lovely shoe sites that never fail to let me down.  I just sit and smile at all the pretty styles and imagine myself twirling and prancing about in them. Yes I said twirling. Does bliss have a shoe size? Yes of course, I'd say its a perfect size 6 1/2 narrow.

It's A Family Affair...Summer Days

Ahhh, the summer months, sweltering heat, unsupervised neighborhood children, life-threatening mosquitoes, and an unfailing appreciation for the invention of air conditioning  Enjoying a cool refreshing drink and relishing a lazy day is permitted and applauded as much as possible. However, the one event that screams "hey ya'll it's summer!" is definitely the annual family reunion. This classic event set aside for families to reconnect and reaffirm their heritage and longevity is typically the hallmark of every summer vacation. Complete with coordinating tshirts, line dances and severely over indulging in every dish imaginable is just what we do.  I particularly do not care for the customary line dance, but who am I to eliminate it? So as this summer comes to a close this Labor Day weekend I am reflecting on the lazy and sublimely lovely days of this summer's past. Amidst the humidity I've attempted to find happiness in whatever's happening at the moment. Joy has a way of sneaking up on you in the most unlikely places.  I tend to try to allow the humor in a situation to reveal itself and go with it.  When being assaulted by the summer heat its almost impossible to have something to laugh at. Thank goodness that family reunions are never such an occasion. They are the highlight of an otherwise uneventful summer. There is absolutely nothing like visiting a family reunion as a guest of someone! In need of a few laughs, some shock appeal, a full meal and a funky good time? Volunteer as a guest at a friend's family reunion. This summer I had just an opportunity as me and one of my dearest friends took to the road to attend her family reunion in Opelousas, Louisiana.  Oh the wicked joy of entering the event venue and seeing the happy yet puzzled faces of her extended family members. You know the puzzled look, that says "whose child are you"? Too cute! I welcomed all of those free hugs and spent the day explaining that I was not family but a guest of their neice, cousin, etc. By noon, after a full meal and more hugs I was no longer a guest anymore.  I see myself often as an amateur anthropologist of sorts.  Because I've always enjoyed people watching, this reunion was a fantastic show being played out right before my very eyes in real time.  Unscripted and organic it was for me a treat to clearly see the connection my friend had with her maternal heritage. That one moment alongside my dear friend and her family helped me to appreciate and understand her all the more.  Here I could plainly see the stock that she came from, where much of the strength and resiliency she possessed originated from.  In the faces of her family members, faces that ranged in hues I saw and an unexplained joy to be in each other's presence.  There were games and an endless amount of dishes that had been prepared with much more than sweet sentiments but sincere love. I understood this to be the very first reunion of the siblings' children and these descendants of the Detiege family were much more than happy to be there, they were down right delighted to see each other.  All around me were men and women who more than likely encountered various challenges on a daily basis in their personal lives, yet they seemed so estatic to see distant cousins that they hadn't seen in years or quite possibly had never met.  There is so much to be said about the feeling of security that comes with knowing you belong to and are a part of someone.  All of the introductions were ongoing and pretty much facilitated a pretty bright idea, the use of name tags. I am not a name tag person, but I typically go with the flow.  I declined the offer to wear one deciding to forego the confusion by simply introducing myself as "Terrea, Marilyn's friend" or "Terrea, a guest of Marilyn".  The husbands/boyfriends got pretty swift with the whole introduction/name tag scenario by tagging themselves "so and so's husband/boyfriend." I thought that was a cute little concept. It made me smile knowing that these guys had a sense of humor amidst the heat. One of the highlights of the day was listening to their verbal history recounting the legacy of entrepreneurialship, longevity and the romance that ignited a lasting family.  I was moved with such emotion after hearing the story of my friend's great, great, great grandparents'. Her great, great, great, grandfather was so profoundly in love with her great, great, great grandmother that as the story goes, he defied his ethnic station in life and pursued a life with her remaining in slavery. My friend, as with many people from Louisiana, her great, great, great granddad was a white man who was much more than infactuated with a woman of color. He lived with her and after the plantation that they were living on was sold to another owner, all of the property which included the two of them and other families went to the new owner. In order to remain with his woman, my friend's great, great, great granddad, again a white man, allowed himself to be owned by another man for the sake of his woman. Wow! What a story! I enjoyed myself thoroughly that weekend in Opelousas, Louisiana.  I smile at the memory of the fun I had.  In fact, it was the height of the family reunion season and the hotel was full of at least two other families celebrating reunions during the weekend.  The hallways were abuzz with coordinating Tshirts, laughter and loud talking, trash talking uncles. It was entertainment heaven for me. I made a vow from that moment on to attend as a guest as many family reunions in the very near future as much as possible. I encourage everyone also to pay a visit a to one of your friend or co worker's next family reunion. Oh the places and faces you'll see, what fun and enjoyment you'll have! For all the free hugs I can stand and dinner, drinks and dancing I am hereby making myself available as a nanny, driver, event server or personal concierge. When you simply love people watching a family reunion is a low cost, great event to get some people adoration in.  By the way, I also had the privilege and honor of witnessing my friend receive her mother's spiritual affirmation that particular weekend.  Although her beautiful mother had been gone for years her presence was a very tangible blessing to my friend that weekend. It seems as if she received something of a nod of approval in the form of a bow-legged, mild mannered, six foot gentleman hailing from my hometown.  How adorable was it to see her giddy with excitement to have stumbled across a possible love connection celebrating his own family reunion that same weekend.  She never gets giddy at all! What an amazing fun weekend that was!