Not So Pretty Afterall

God has such an interesting sense of humor.  I just know that He gets a major kick out of my little prayer requests.  At this point in my life my conversations with Divinity have this "Eat, Pray, Love" aura about them.  Quite like author Elizabeth Gilbert's thirst for a tangible experience with her Creator and her life itself, I also hunger to be more connected to my life and its Source. My desire for connection is on a more personal level beyond the walls of a church or place of worship. My inner conversations with God where I ask for certain things or experiences are truly heartfelt for me and I assume hilarious for heaven.  Most recently I asked that my faith be increased and expanded, that my trust be elevated and the personal limitations I've lived within be removed.  That had to have Him beside Himself in laughter I'm certain of it.  I know that God loves me and like a father, the masculine side of Him that is not ever moved by emotion simply shakes His head I am sure and chuckles to Himself at the silliness of some of my heartfelt requests. My Creator knows me inside and out.  He knows all that I am and aspire to be, yet my emotional pleas do not move Him one bit.  I know this for certain because if they did, I would most likely be married by now.  I digress.  Divinity's presence in my life offers support, consolation and comfort yet does so without complete ignorance of who He's working with at all times. The Mother in my God tenderly comforts me and the Father in my God logically confronts me.  His voice almost sounds like that of my daddy when I come to Him with some bull.  Yes I said it.  When I approach my daddy, meaning the man who raised me, with an emotional appeal I am met with a blank stare and what I believe is a crude observation.  My daddy can be a bit rough around the edges to put it mildly.  For example years ago in my twenties during a very brief, unthought out engagement I saw a particular wedding dress that I simply had to have, never mind I knew the marriage was not meant to be, the dress was meant for me though.  I asked my daddy for the finances for this particular work of art detailing to him how the flowy chiffon skirted ballgown would look on me.  I went on and on about the fabulousness of this dress to him. I showed him pictures of the dress, the front and the rear view with full details of the train and all.  I showed him pictures of me wearing the dress.  I received no absolutely no response from him.  The man took another drag of his cigarette and continued watching the television. He sat there unmoved.  Seeing as I was getting no response whatsoever, I felt I had to up my emotional plea a few notches. In my most emotional tone I shared with my daddy "this dress will make me feel pretty" and I just had to have it.  Completely unmoved as he knocked the ashes into the ashtray, his only response was "how pretty do you think you can feel in a less expensive dress, cause you aint getting that one if I have to pay for it and definitely not to marry that clown."  Did he just tell me no? Did my daddy not understand the importance of my feeling pretty? Clearly, he did not nor was he moved by tears, yes I did cry. I was a bit overly dramatic in my exit.  He was truly insensitive to my needs.  The only thing that I could do of course in a situation such as this was turn to my mother who understood my need to feel pretty. She did and she magically bought the dress that I never wore because I, of course called the wedding off six months prior to the date.  Did I feel foolish, yes.  Have I ever admitted it to my father? No. This memory truly makes me understand all the better the masculinity in my God.  His understanding of me is so unfiltered by emotion yet grounded in total understanding and logic of his love for me.  God, my ultimate Father always answers my prayers in the most uncanny, distinctive ways.  Without music or fanfare, in comes the lesson to deliver aspects of those requests. 

I still approach my Source with some bull from time to time.  Yes, again, I said it, some bull.  I naively and immaturely, at age forty still ask for things and experiences that I have no idea that I am unprepared for, cannot manage, or unable to understand the full magnitude of.  When I'm in my bratty mode I ask for bull, things that sound so great, lofty and spiritual that I am nowhere ready for.  Months ago I did such a thing.  I asked to live a life of complete abandonment, liberated, spiritually centered where my gifts can be used. Wow, doesn't that sound so enlightened, so spiritual, so above the base concerns of the world? It was heartfelt, yet I had no real clue of what I was asking. I honestly believed that I was not living yet existing.  My ill-conceived relationship, one that I had invested much in was on life support and failing miserably.  Although I was larger city than my hometown and had much to offer, I was severely discontent with the life that I was leading.  I wanted more.  I wanted to live by faith for real. How cool did that sound?  Was I ready for what it would mean? Nope.  Charged by emotion, I exited stage left from the relationship wishing him well and hoping for the best.  Somehow in my emotionally charged exit and profound optimism I stepped over the thought that the guy who wasn't working out was also covering the living expenses and my contract with the school I was at had just ended.  I was determined to move ahead yet it appeared that I was going backwards in different areas. Again, here's where I envision my Divine Daddy unmoved by my silly emotions turning and looking at me as tenderly as possible and shaking His head thinking to Himself, "look at her, she has no idea."  Somehow I knew that it would all work out for me but I wanted it to work out pretty.  There goes that word again, "pretty." I wanted God to answer my prayer for personal progression and liberation with a pretty little tidy bow so I could live happily ever after.  Well, thanks Divine Daddy for working all things together but I am so not feeling pretty, nor are any of the details flowing perfectly into place in a timely manner.  Where's the job with benefits? Where's the romance? Where's the heroic theme music chronicling the life of woman getting her life back? I'm not feeling pretty at all. There goes my daddy's voice again "how pretty can you feel in a less expensive dress, especially if I have to pay for it?"