Who Do You Love?

So in my quest of a more authentic life where I am able to be transparent with the most important person in my life, myself, I am learning to laugh at my folly. My relationship mishaps, shambles and disasters have left me at this age bursting at the seams in laughter yet hopeful.  So as long as I do not end up on the dating site reserved for "older adults", I think its called "Our Time" there is always hope.  The pursuit of love at or after age forty appears to be interesting to say the least.  Right now I am on a bit of relationship hiatus, taking a breather if you will from the exhaustive work of maintaining a relationship. When the time is right and I am fully prepared to return to full time duty I question the options available to me.  I believe that the sky is the limit but when contemplating putting your heart out on the market once again, you kind of need to be aware of what you may encounter while inviting potential candidates to court you.  My past attempts at sustaining love were crash and burn scenarios that ranged from pseudo-Lifetime Movie Network movies of the week to romantic comedy sitcom installments. The average shelf life of my past relationships seem to have fade to black after 2.5 years. I've been left to ask myself if I in fact have what it takes to make love last at least until vows or exchanged. Honestly at this juncture I am reconsidering what I desire most. Who do you love? Opening my heart to love again fully and freely will require a great investment in myself.  I'm reevaluating just how much I've claimed to love myself before in the past, critiquing my vision of myself and exactly how I want to live beside a man who shares beliefs and passions with me.  As I find myself in a very different stage in life where I am increasingly more accepting of myself, how accepting am I of others?  What can I contend with or tolerate? The closer one gets to forty the "who" of who they are has already been shaped and molded into their personality.  The basic fundamentals of that person has been solidified, so gone are the days of falling in love with potential.  People rarely change after this age.  People can change but primarily only of their own volition. I want to bring all of me, the fabulous and faulty frailties to the table knowing that I am accepting and appreciating that of another. Today I am on a "get it right, get it tight" mission before I allow myself to seriously consider settling down mode.  I love my free spirited approach to life and its inevitabilities.  The average man may not be able to appreciate this about me. I am unwilling to change or trade in this new mindset for the menial possibility of being with the average man.  So who do you love once you've settled into yourself and have found yourself completely amazing? Who do you love once you've acknowledged and accepted the pretty and the not so pretty aspects about yourself? There is an overflow of love spilling forth from me and I expect a saucer of a man to step my way in due season.  I am that piece of fine china, the teacup filled to the brim with idiosyncracies, faith, frailties, class, substance, a few fears, creativity, love, love, love and more love, a dash of resiliency and tenderness.  This flavorful brew is meant to overflow onto the sturdy saucer meant just for me. My saucer will provide the loving support and add to the stability that my Creator always supplies.  I look forward to it when the timing is ripe and after I've gotten some things right and tight within emotionally, financially and physically. I still have a burning desire to bring some things of value to the table.  I am better able to answer the question of who to love when I place myself first and by removing the conditions in which I love and allow myself to be loved. The satisfaction I intend to give and receive begins with me.