Degenerative Arthritis of the Soul...Jeopardizing the Pretty Behind the Petty

I tried comforting a friend today.  I gave him the best advice that I possibly could.  Listening to him share the struggles he was undergoing really broke my heart. I understood his pain because I too had found myself in similiar situations.  During that stormy time in my life and there were several that mimicked the very same situation, I doubted myself, my ability to pull myself out of it and if the situation would ever get better.  I blamed the other person terribly.  The problem was as I saw it,  was obviously outside of myself.  From my very keen perspective I was being hurt, abused, misused, neglected, taken for granted, manipulated and grossly disrespected.  Every other foul act of inhumanity that another could do to me was being done against me. Like my friend I too recall feeling hopelessly frustrated and discouraged.  I know exactly how it feels to look at the situation all around me and see it failing. I have seen myself in sinking ships far too often.  I've set sail upon the Titanic of relationships and jobs many times over.  Being in connection with people or situations that are nonproductive sucks the life out of you.  Yes, relationships with draining dilemmas are debilitating in every sense.  When assuming the role of victim it truly feels as if everything and everyone is against you, yet its worse when the relationship, marriage, or job is a dead end situation.  Envisioning no way out is no place close to seeing no way through.  When I found myself most recently in such a state, I recall the beauty of relaxing on a dear friend's sofa and gleaning such words of wisdom as "no matter what, take care of yourself."  As simple as that advice was it still holds such a profound morsel of wisdom.  Taking care of the self is paramount when plagued with perpetual problems from someone or something you've committed yourself to.  I can remember those days of laying there on my friend's sofa recounting how terrible I was being treated by my then "man".  I'd talk, bemoan, vent and sip wine, bemoan, talk, vent and sip wine, talk, bemoan and sip more wine.  Now looking back at those venting moments I am so glad that I had a true friend who challenged me to put the glass of wine down and get to the track or the nearest gym.  Yes I had an insurmountable degree of stress and pain in my life but the way that I was dealing with it was weighing on me. I was committing a cardinal sin against myself, I was jeopardizing the pretty behind the petty.  I was allowing the petty issues of another to jeopardize my pretty.  That simply would not do.Weight gain as a result of prolonged stress from an outside force was not a good look at all.  If you cannot control the outside force you can eliminate it.  Listening to my friend reminded me of the valley that I had been in.  In gratitude I thank God for the passage of time, wisdom and healing.  I've learned now after several highly expensive purchased experiences the importance of caring for yourself in the midst of trials.  I now know that when dealing with an unfulfilling and/or degenerative  situation to always make every attempt to focus on your total well being.  Its not about ignoring the other party but moreso about focusing on myself.  Investing in yourself in the midst of a debilitating set of circumstances is an investment that always yields a high return. The best thing I could have done in exchange for complaining, wallowing or consuming bottles upon bottles of wine (well maybe not bottles, but a lot of wine was consumed) was to go for a walk, journal, yes journal or hit the gym.  The options of positive self care are endless.  Many times the relationship is on life support anyway and the absolute best thing to do is to save yourself.  Come on, we all know when a thing is over, but for whatever reason we simply can't call it.  Lingering too long and laboring with a relationship that has reached its expiration date long ago is a disservice to all involved.  I think about how I wasn't ready to let go yet I continued to hurt myself while attempting to hang on. What foolishness, what complete and utter foolishness.  Now I do not consider myself to be a negative person at all.  I tend to be the eternal optimist, the hopeless romantic, the rose-colored glasses wearer, you get the point. However, there are some situations that I know God had never called me to nor was I assigned to for lengthy periods of time.  I've learned the value and beauty of getting the lesson from a situation and moving on. Anything that assaults my well being for prolonged periods require prayer for me to know when the gig is up. I believe that one should definitely put as much work coupled with prayer and everything else called for into circumstances that appear to be waging war against them.  If you're truly giving it your all within the relationship, the marriage (which is an entirely another level of work), or on that job but the results of your efforts are nonexistent, its time to step back and weigh the costs versus the benefits of the partnership. If your union with anyone or any entity is costing more than its benefiting you some tough decisions are before you. But, how do you or have you been coping in the meantime?

 

 

When I think about my friend and the defeated tone of his voice I can almost hear my dad talking.  I strongly suggest no one to ask my father how he is doing, its a trap. My dad has a way of describing his health challenges in a way that causes one to have a strong desire to slit their wrists. He will go on and on.  My dad has degenerative arthritis in his knees and it is extremely unfortunate.  His condition is very painful and has now limited his mobility greatly.  He has ignored medical solutions for years now with one that tops the list, lose a substantial amount of weight.  My dad will describe in excrutiating detail on how his form of arthritis has progressed.  It's not that I don't feel sorry for him because truly I do.  I've tried on several occasions to get him to become more active, etc. What can I do now but listen to his complaints of chronic pain?   Basically degenerative arthritis, especially in my dad's case does not get better.  It has gotten worse.  He has lost nearly all of the cartiliage in his knees.  There's no cushion.  He has bone to bone friction and the pain that comes from the wearing down of it has to be beyond difficult to cope with. He has not lost any weight so it only exacerbates his situation all the more. Yes, the more my friend speaks I think of my dad's battler with degenerative arthritis. We all at some time or another have endured some form of degenerative arthritis.  I like to look at it more specifically as degenerative arthritis of the soul.  When we have compromised our needs and wants far too often for prolonged periods of time things begin to weigh on us heavily.  When we lack a self care regimen the stressors of our situation become bone to bone so to speak.  We have no cartiliage, no cushion between ourselves and the situation.  Therein lies the doom and gloom that we feel because things are getting progressively worse.  They actually are getting worse because we have no cushion for our soul, our minds, our wills, our emotions, our intellect against that circumstance that weighs against us.  If you have no healthy cushion to soften the blow of what you deal with on a daily basis you are much more than crippled.  I think back to myself and I how was the source of my sustained pain.  Instead of eliminating what I saw as the problem and/or seeking a healthy way of dealing with it, I added insult to injury by adding more weight.  Trust me, there's nothing like wine weight gain, not cute at all.  Other than witnessing a beautiful woman chain smoking, wine weight gain is such a tragedy. Thank God for an intervention. Once I put on the weight and saw the effects on my frame it only depressed me further and so the cycle continued until I received a good kick in the derriere from my dear friend.  I had to stop whining and complaining and do something about it.  I began my journey to release the weight and regain a sense of control of my life and my choices.  This is what I desperately want for my friend to know.  I am in no way advocating for selfishness or giving up and walking out on difficult situations or circumstances.  Some things may only be occuring for a season in one's life and it will indeed pass.  I truly believe that you cannot change another human being.  You cannot alter a toxic work environment that has negativity spilling forth from its top level. The only entity to ever be changed in any situation is you.  If your outlook on things have been crippled beyond recognition its time to replace the cartiliage in your life with something positive.  My soul is far too valuable to remain in a broken state.  I need my soul at a fully engaged state so that I can navigate through this wondrous world.  My mind has to be at full capacity.  My will must be in concert with Divinity to function smoothly. My emotions must be charged and fueled properly so that I can view myself and the world around me as a promising adventure.  This is a must.  My intellect must be nourished so that when circumstances attempt to belittle my mental swiftness I will know better.  It is up to me to discover an outlet or a supporting technique that will leave me better equipped to handle  the stressors that cannot be eliminated at the time.  The solution is not to go around quitting jobs, relationships and/or marriages.  I am by no means a quitter. Tenacity runs through my DNA. I come from a long line of women who have staying power but these days I do have an extremely low tolerance level for foolishness.  I am working on increased perseverance and the wisdom discern when God says "when" because quite frankly, sometimes I'm just not that spiritual.  Basically when it comes time to pull the plug on a dismal situation I will know. Here is what I finally chose to share with my friend and I so hope that he and countless others will try.  In fact, I hope that should I falter that someone will remind me to: focus on myself, invest in myself in the midst of a difficult situation, be kind to myself, be gentle, tender and attentive. Don't go too hard on the wine or the Ben & Jerry's, I'll only regret it later. Read something daily that is inspirational.  Listen to music that is uplifting, write, work out, walk, dance, breathe deeply, smile, get out of the house, laugh. Pray, meditate, attend church or some form of spiritual worship, try counseling. Eat well, choose healthy foods and did I say laugh? Above all, place my well being at the top of the list at all times.  This is not selfish, but self care at its finest.  What's the worst that could happen anyway?  The other party, your spouse, coworkers, family member or significant other actually sees something in you and chooses to follow your lead? No, not the worse case scenario you say? Well, perhaps the alliance completely falters altogether. I say you're still winning! You can walk away from the situation with an intact mind, bank account, career, a strong sense of self and a body that is in alignment with your mind and spirit.  Sanity is such a good look.  Yes optimal self care is the cure for degenrative arthritis of the soul.  I am now aware that the goal should never be on the situation getting better but the focus should always be on my becoming better.

The Desire Dossier

Every now and again I think I've stumbled upon a great idea, something that I have to try to determine if it will in fact transform my life.  Here's my latest, the "Desire Dossier"!! Basically anyone who knows me pretty well knows that I have this journal fetish.  I love to write but I love doing so in beautifully designed and cute little journals. I have tons of these for all sorts of things.  My journals are for much more than simply notetaking or penning down my thoughts, they are a safe haven. I cannot ignore a unique themed journal.  I love the Jordi Labana journals. I have small ones, mid-sized journals and yes of course larger 8.5 x 11 journals.  Many of them are blank, never had a word written in them at all.  One day I sat dreaming as I usually do, contemplating on a few things that I would love to have and I decided to grab one of my emply journals and start a book dedicated to that very thing, things that I desire.  So there, that's exactly what I did. On the first page I wrote what my intentions were for the journal and decided to daily list my desires.  This would not be a prayer journal or a wishlist, but simply a daily desire list.  Each day I will jot down whatever it is that I desire, just whatever comes to my mind that day that I would like.  At the day's end of course I will pray and thank God for all that is in my life and all that has yet to manifest but my ultimate goal is to simply list what I'd love to see show up in my life. I've decided to carry this journal around with me so that if something catches my eye I can jot it down including the store where I may have spotted the gem.  You see, a dossier is a file containing detailed records on a particular person or subject.  My desire dossier is an ongoing list of everything that speaks to my heart, soul, spirit and unique tastes.  If I come across a particular fragrance that melts my heart and uplifts my spirit, I jot down the name of it and even take a sample card.   Within this journal are daily reminders of what I love, like and care to see more of in my life.  I note these things with an expectant spirit, that these things, the little and the grand will make their way into my life. I don't go into overdrive on the how, I simply note what I like, what makes me smile. The desires that I list aren't always things but can also be experiences as well.  They are also not always for me but for others included.  The goal here is to list and leave them to the capable hands of my Creator.  All that I desire rests in the universe anyway and is in safekeeping.  The universe is God's handiwork, His blank canvas, His playground, His abundant field and His mind all rolled up in one.  At least this is what I think.  It works for me.  Since I've started listing things in my Desire Dossier I've already witnessed the delivery of some of my heart's delights.  I should scratch them off the list in an act of gratitude. Anyway, I think that I will keep this up.  Its a new and revolutionary concept for me, stilling myself to ponder what it is that I want or want more of in my life.  Some things are material or financially based but most of the things I want aren't.  Oftentimes we think about all of the things that plague our sanity, the things that we don't want but rarely do we stop and think about what we want, what we actually desire.  Those two words "want" and "desire" evoke such emotion. I rarely allowed myself to think about what I truly want and now is as good a time as any.  Now I may have to keep my dossier in close proximity as it does list quite a substantial amount of my most personal desires.  Such a descriptive list could be quite dangerous if it fell into the wrong hands....insert wicked laughter!

Your Cover's Been Blown Now What?

These thoughts are arriving without the aid of coffee, hmmm how about that? My heart's prayer has been for so long to live in the absolute most authentic way that I can.  If you cannot be transparent with yourself then who can you be real with?  It's about living from your core and allowing those core driven inclinations to drive you.  Your internal spiritual imprint dictates your natural drive. Yes, I think we all have an internal imprint.  I believe its like a fingerprint on the inside.  God's fingerprint on my heart gives way to all that makes me unique.  Throughout life I may encounter different things that speak to my heart.  I may cross peoples' paths that trigger an internal knowing. You may stumble into places and experiences that reflect aspects of ourselves.  When these things happen its in a response to a connection with that internal fingerprint.  More often than not we operate in reverse.  Many of us live from the external, allowing all that is out there to define and impact us instead of allowing the internal fingerprint, that internal unique identification to define us and guide us throughout life.  In my humble opinion, I like to believe that within me is the heartbeat of a queen, a lady, a hero, a muse, a goddess, an influencer and an elder.  There's probably some of other stuff there also, I'm unsure. Many of my inclinations, desires and tastes all attest to that fact. The soft things that I love, the things that I am passionate about, the subtle way I prefer to console, counsel or comfort someone or the wicked delight that I've been prone to have with life.  There are moments that life that just cracks me up.  I think thats the eternal kid in me, the little princess.  Yesterday, I began to ponder this thought and it occurred to me that many of the challenges that I have encountered in life were/are a direct result of living in opposition to my internal fingerprint. That was a humbling and convicting mindset and an altering aha moment for me.  Many times that I have felt disturbed ion about a particular situation or association was because I was accomodating it rather than standing in the true "who" of who I am.  Simply put, I was posing as someone I was never meant to be.  Its not necessarily about lowering your standards but I think the "craziness" happen when you forget to live from your core. Life falls into a chaotic mode when its lived in opposition to your core.  I feel the most comfortable doing certain things, the most myself.  Certain things are just in me to do, to be, to say, etc.  My love for fresh flowers, attempting to articulate my thoughts (i.e. rambling), finding the splendor in the mundane, classic black and white movies, and chaise lounges seem to be somehow ingrafted in my DNA.  I don't know where my love of simplistic regal things originated from but oh I how love courtesy, warmth, sincerity, and all that elevates everyday living beyond the petty and trivial.  I think to myself that quite possibly hidden deep down within me beats the heart of a queen.  Seriously, my ancestors may have hidden this knowledge from me but a goddess queen, a shero's heart beats within.  Not a forceful warrior queen, but a compassionate defender of the broken queen.  Perhaps it makes me feel better to think that flowing through my blood is the DNA of an advocate, influential, independent, passionate, heroic queen. Every now and then I have these tendencies that slip out and confirm what I have been foolishly attempting to hide or understand.  Those silly sing song voices of the old black and white classic movies that I so adore are a testament of my love for nostalgia, romance and timeless femininity.  When there is a cause or an issue that disheartens me, something rises up within me and I feel compelled to voice my opinion somehow.  I am passionate about certain things, primarily empowering and enlightening other young women to live freely, fiercely, and fervently.  My desire to pass on tidbits of knowledge to other ladies feels like a call to arms amongst sisters.  Everytime I find myself attuned to this idea of being led by what is within I feel completely whole.  Whenever I sit outdoors at a cafe and enjoy my surroundings while sipping on something divine I am utterly amused at myself.  I think "sweetheart you were meant for this". Leisurely contemplating my next step works for me. In fact, last week I posted something to this effect on my literary outlet as known as Facebook.  A friend and woman whom I've respected and admired for years commented with words that struck me silent.  This queen herself commented that I was "a writer in hiding".  How observant, how clever, how kind, how on point was this delightful diva!!! My cover had been blown on facebook! This social network was only my means of entertainment and lighthearted outlet but this beautiful unknown mentor had outted me. Wow! Days later a childhood friend and I sat leisurely drinking wine at a mutual acquaintance's family picnic simply catching up. This doll of a woman did the exact same thing! She referred to me as "the Carrie Bradshaw of Facebook"! I took it as a compliment, laughed and had another drink. The gig was up. I've been found out, busted, discovered, outted, spotted and basically put on "Front Street".  So now that my cover's been blown I know that an existence of hiding cannot do.  It simply will not do.  I am a fully concious day dreamer.  I am awake yet I am such a day dreamer.  I am a goddess and a muse, a queen and a consort to kings.  I am a crime fighter waging war against spiritual violence assaulting the feminine psyche.  I am claiming who I am internally and will work to externally experience it daily.  I will live out this identity daily because withholding all that I am would be such a waste, such an enormous sign of disrespect to Divinity.  To all that I encounter I recommend that you do the same.  You can attempt to do as Akeem in the class movie "Coming To America" movie (yes I love that movie, I glean lessons from movies often, can't you tell?) and renounce your throne but always remember your throne will never renounce you.  By simply saying you "are no longer the Crown Prince of Zamunda" does not make it so.  Your regal nature lives within and is apparent in everything you touch.  I've finally accepted it and now that my cover's been blown I'm simply going to go with it. 

Guns and Butter: A Girls' Guide

Yes, my mind is wandering again. This affliction tends to occur on Saturday evenings laying across my bed. So I offer to you more rambling. I read a facebook post earlier today by a friend that recommended that young women closely examine their resources and the power within such resources when dealing with men. Basically she spoke on the senseless squandering of a woman's time and body for mere trinkets. Lets face it, there are scores of young women who are carelessly pimping their pretty for pennies. This scenario is one that is as old as time itself. Foolish women are not a new thing under the sun. Foolish young women without an intervention will unfortunately grow into foolish old women still "hustling backwards". This sad scenario makes me think of the John Singleton film, "Baby Boy" where Ving Rhames' character offers a brief lesson to two unsuspecting young Black men about the "guns versus butter" model. I just loved that scene! I do not count myself as chronically enlightened or anywhere close, but if there were a class for women as reformed derelicts, lets just say I'd be somewhere near the front of the class. I count it an honor to walk in "Melvin's" footprints (Ving Rhames' character) to offer unsolicited advice to unsuspecting young women. I look back at my past mistakes and foolish decisions and I am grateful that at least in my day I had/have a point of reference as a woman. There were women all around to whom I could observe and take notes from on the fine art on how to carrying yourself as a lady. It saddens me that many young women today do not even have that. I digress easily as you can tell. So, "Melvin" tutors "Baby Boy" on the concept of "guns and butter" and it is such a delight to me to see this type of veiled message being offered in an urban movie. Great move John!! For my young sisters who may not know, or missed that class, basically "guns and butter" is a model that gives an example of investing in "guns" or power as demonstrated in military production or further derived by assets that accrue in value and "butter" being anything that does not increase in value, once its spent, thats it. Girls, here's a suggestion, make notecards..."guns" increase in value, property, art, etc. "butter" does not increase in value, examples, purses, shoes, hair appointments. My dear, dear sweet little sisters I share all of this so that you not squander your pretty in pursuit of perishable items that are of little to no worth to you in the long run. You are priceless and simply cannot be bought or leased. When its all said and done, in your interactions with men I suggest you apply the "guns and butter" model. Your time is precious and every moment of it that you spend with a man there is an exchange occuring always. Always. As Ludacris so eloquently puts it if "you're going to do something strange for a lil piece of change" thats the definition of hustling backwards. When you consider "guns" and "butter" which would you prefer in exchange for whatever it is that you're offering? I offer the option of viewing everything that you receive in exchange for your time spent with a man as a gift or an investment. A man will walk away leaving you with something, a smile, frustration, dinner, laughter, a baby, a new insight, etc. something. You make the call, always. Even if no one ever paused long enough to share with you, I take it upon myself to offer some collective wisdom gleaned from other sisters who have a house full of gifts from men yet never received an investment, not once. Walking among us are sixty year old women with a wealth of trinkets and lively stories of the good old days and the men they knew and the time that passed them by. Do not become one of them. As women we are by nature "receivers" in every sense of the word. Our anatomy attests to this. We take things in, nurture it and offer it back to the world. Its just what we do. It is how we were designed. So, my darling dolls now that you know you are always receiving, first understand how to classify your reception and decide what you would like to receive more of in your life. On behalf of all of the broken women with regretful pasts, here it is, gifts vs. investments. Ladies our friends at Yale University defines a gift as "as a voluntary unconditional transfer of cash or other assets to someone by another individual or another entity, for which the donor does not receive goods or services in exchange". An investment is income relating to property held by the recipient for their benefit now or at a future date. While the original investment may have been acquired by the recipient as a gift, the subsequent receipt of income related to the investment is not considered a gift, but rather investment income. Dividends and gains from investment sales are investment income, not gifts. Sweethearts you do not earn gifts. You do not work for them at all. Gifts denote favor. Men offer them simply because you have found favor with them somehow. It's just the "Boaz" in them, allow them to do that, expect them to show up as such. Gifts are the niceties that you thought you had to "twerk" for or degrade yourself for. Gifts are the salon visits, the handbags, the shoes, the trips or the flowers. Gifts are thoughtful and yes, butter. Very few gifts accrue value. Cultivate relationships with men who are investors because you in and of yourself are great ground to invest in. How does a man invest in you you might ask? What dreams do you have? What goals do you have? Any businesses in mind? If you do not have any of these, now may be an ideal time to consider some. An investment will benefit you now but moreso in the long run. Forego campaigning for a weekly nail appointment and steer that gift into an investment. Do you have books that need to be purchased this semester? Thats an investment. Even if its a small thing such as an oil change, thats an investment. Remember, you're benefiting from it now and in the future. Whatever you can receive a benefit from beyond today is an investment. Long after the days that your looks have faded and your body is no longer a selling point you will be reaping the rewards. As Black women, culturally we haven't been taught the importance of this. For the greater part many of us have not been educated on how deterimental it is to leverage our assets in favor of future growth. We haven't been schooled on the fine art of securing our future. I speak to you fueled by the ashes of failed relationships and lost time with only lessons learned. Walk away with more than lessons ladies. Maintain a positive attitude, a godly spirit not a manipulative tone and stay open. Retain a positive attitude towards men and keep your expectations of them high. See them as good, generous and kind human beings not as someone you need to get before they get you. With all of this being said, I share all of this with a heart of love and great expectations of you at "no charge" (in my Shirley Ceasar voice).

Full Participation Required

How active of a participant are you in your own life? That's what I ask myself from time to time. How actively involved am I in my own redemption? A life of progression will require my full participation. Coasting along will never do.  Momentary pauses to reflect, meditate and exhale in gratitude are very necessary but one must keep going. Life is not a spectator's sport. One must be actively engaged.  I release many things to God but with the firm notion that "faith without works is dead" I struggle to know what's my work and what's God's work. In Montessori jargon, I still hesitate in not touching "Teacher's work". I am in no sense a quitter or a coward. I do not faint. Fainting is not an option. Fainting is only reserved for the helpless damsels in distress in those old black and movie classic movies. I do not give up but there are spaces in time when you know that the life you are living isn't life at all and certainly nowhere close to an abundant life.  Do you concede? Do you give up on that life? For me, I am learning to listen closely for direction as to the duration of a class. Yes, I said the duration of the class. Every single thing that we go through is a lesson of sorts.  There is no failure in God. Experiences we go through are lessons to discovering aspects of ourselves that require healing, ascension, redemption or expansion on some level.  Lessons arrive in the form jobs, relationships, friendships and exchanges of all sorts.  I believe that I've allowed some lessons to go on much longer than necessary. Once you understand a thing and its purpose you are better prepared to maintain it and entertain it in your life.  You will also know when its time has expired.  Full knowledge of these things means that you are actively participating in your own life.  Realizing that I am reaching that level of living means a great deal to me.  Prior to coming to this delightful place of understanding I was haphazardly going through life reacting to things and situations. Discernment was a distant relative of mine.  I cried out to God for relief from many things like a bratty toddler. I wanted relief and rescuing from my life, a life that I was not experiencing, only enduring.  Right now, I am conceding defeat to a work environment that threatens my mental state of mind.  My season is up. I have learned a great deal there.  However, my idea of a decent work day does not begin with a migraine before eleven o'clock in the morning.  Coping with the inconsistency and utter disorganization of the workplace should not be found in a daily happy hour. I am so proud of myself for recognizing the toxic effects of an environment that is incongruent with who I am as a person.  Yaay me! I evaluated a dilemma, asked for guidance, walked in courage and confidently exited stage left with an intact mind. This is full participation in a life that I am actively creating. I love it. I might as well love it, seeing as I am the one living it.