Degenerative Arthritis of the Soul...Jeopardizing the Pretty Behind the Petty

I tried comforting a friend today.  I gave him the best advice that I possibly could.  Listening to him share the struggles he was undergoing really broke my heart. I understood his pain because I too had found myself in similiar situations.  During that stormy time in my life and there were several that mimicked the very same situation, I doubted myself, my ability to pull myself out of it and if the situation would ever get better.  I blamed the other person terribly.  The problem was as I saw it,  was obviously outside of myself.  From my very keen perspective I was being hurt, abused, misused, neglected, taken for granted, manipulated and grossly disrespected.  Every other foul act of inhumanity that another could do to me was being done against me. Like my friend I too recall feeling hopelessly frustrated and discouraged.  I know exactly how it feels to look at the situation all around me and see it failing. I have seen myself in sinking ships far too often.  I've set sail upon the Titanic of relationships and jobs many times over.  Being in connection with people or situations that are nonproductive sucks the life out of you.  Yes, relationships with draining dilemmas are debilitating in every sense.  When assuming the role of victim it truly feels as if everything and everyone is against you, yet its worse when the relationship, marriage, or job is a dead end situation.  Envisioning no way out is no place close to seeing no way through.  When I found myself most recently in such a state, I recall the beauty of relaxing on a dear friend's sofa and gleaning such words of wisdom as "no matter what, take care of yourself."  As simple as that advice was it still holds such a profound morsel of wisdom.  Taking care of the self is paramount when plagued with perpetual problems from someone or something you've committed yourself to.  I can remember those days of laying there on my friend's sofa recounting how terrible I was being treated by my then "man".  I'd talk, bemoan, vent and sip wine, bemoan, talk, vent and sip wine, talk, bemoan and sip more wine.  Now looking back at those venting moments I am so glad that I had a true friend who challenged me to put the glass of wine down and get to the track or the nearest gym.  Yes I had an insurmountable degree of stress and pain in my life but the way that I was dealing with it was weighing on me. I was committing a cardinal sin against myself, I was jeopardizing the pretty behind the petty.  I was allowing the petty issues of another to jeopardize my pretty.  That simply would not do.Weight gain as a result of prolonged stress from an outside force was not a good look at all.  If you cannot control the outside force you can eliminate it.  Listening to my friend reminded me of the valley that I had been in.  In gratitude I thank God for the passage of time, wisdom and healing.  I've learned now after several highly expensive purchased experiences the importance of caring for yourself in the midst of trials.  I now know that when dealing with an unfulfilling and/or degenerative  situation to always make every attempt to focus on your total well being.  Its not about ignoring the other party but moreso about focusing on myself.  Investing in yourself in the midst of a debilitating set of circumstances is an investment that always yields a high return. The best thing I could have done in exchange for complaining, wallowing or consuming bottles upon bottles of wine (well maybe not bottles, but a lot of wine was consumed) was to go for a walk, journal, yes journal or hit the gym.  The options of positive self care are endless.  Many times the relationship is on life support anyway and the absolute best thing to do is to save yourself.  Come on, we all know when a thing is over, but for whatever reason we simply can't call it.  Lingering too long and laboring with a relationship that has reached its expiration date long ago is a disservice to all involved.  I think about how I wasn't ready to let go yet I continued to hurt myself while attempting to hang on. What foolishness, what complete and utter foolishness.  Now I do not consider myself to be a negative person at all.  I tend to be the eternal optimist, the hopeless romantic, the rose-colored glasses wearer, you get the point. However, there are some situations that I know God had never called me to nor was I assigned to for lengthy periods of time.  I've learned the value and beauty of getting the lesson from a situation and moving on. Anything that assaults my well being for prolonged periods require prayer for me to know when the gig is up. I believe that one should definitely put as much work coupled with prayer and everything else called for into circumstances that appear to be waging war against them.  If you're truly giving it your all within the relationship, the marriage (which is an entirely another level of work), or on that job but the results of your efforts are nonexistent, its time to step back and weigh the costs versus the benefits of the partnership. If your union with anyone or any entity is costing more than its benefiting you some tough decisions are before you. But, how do you or have you been coping in the meantime?

 

 

When I think about my friend and the defeated tone of his voice I can almost hear my dad talking.  I strongly suggest no one to ask my father how he is doing, its a trap. My dad has a way of describing his health challenges in a way that causes one to have a strong desire to slit their wrists. He will go on and on.  My dad has degenerative arthritis in his knees and it is extremely unfortunate.  His condition is very painful and has now limited his mobility greatly.  He has ignored medical solutions for years now with one that tops the list, lose a substantial amount of weight.  My dad will describe in excrutiating detail on how his form of arthritis has progressed.  It's not that I don't feel sorry for him because truly I do.  I've tried on several occasions to get him to become more active, etc. What can I do now but listen to his complaints of chronic pain?   Basically degenerative arthritis, especially in my dad's case does not get better.  It has gotten worse.  He has lost nearly all of the cartiliage in his knees.  There's no cushion.  He has bone to bone friction and the pain that comes from the wearing down of it has to be beyond difficult to cope with. He has not lost any weight so it only exacerbates his situation all the more. Yes, the more my friend speaks I think of my dad's battler with degenerative arthritis. We all at some time or another have endured some form of degenerative arthritis.  I like to look at it more specifically as degenerative arthritis of the soul.  When we have compromised our needs and wants far too often for prolonged periods of time things begin to weigh on us heavily.  When we lack a self care regimen the stressors of our situation become bone to bone so to speak.  We have no cartiliage, no cushion between ourselves and the situation.  Therein lies the doom and gloom that we feel because things are getting progressively worse.  They actually are getting worse because we have no cushion for our soul, our minds, our wills, our emotions, our intellect against that circumstance that weighs against us.  If you have no healthy cushion to soften the blow of what you deal with on a daily basis you are much more than crippled.  I think back to myself and I how was the source of my sustained pain.  Instead of eliminating what I saw as the problem and/or seeking a healthy way of dealing with it, I added insult to injury by adding more weight.  Trust me, there's nothing like wine weight gain, not cute at all.  Other than witnessing a beautiful woman chain smoking, wine weight gain is such a tragedy. Thank God for an intervention. Once I put on the weight and saw the effects on my frame it only depressed me further and so the cycle continued until I received a good kick in the derriere from my dear friend.  I had to stop whining and complaining and do something about it.  I began my journey to release the weight and regain a sense of control of my life and my choices.  This is what I desperately want for my friend to know.  I am in no way advocating for selfishness or giving up and walking out on difficult situations or circumstances.  Some things may only be occuring for a season in one's life and it will indeed pass.  I truly believe that you cannot change another human being.  You cannot alter a toxic work environment that has negativity spilling forth from its top level. The only entity to ever be changed in any situation is you.  If your outlook on things have been crippled beyond recognition its time to replace the cartiliage in your life with something positive.  My soul is far too valuable to remain in a broken state.  I need my soul at a fully engaged state so that I can navigate through this wondrous world.  My mind has to be at full capacity.  My will must be in concert with Divinity to function smoothly. My emotions must be charged and fueled properly so that I can view myself and the world around me as a promising adventure.  This is a must.  My intellect must be nourished so that when circumstances attempt to belittle my mental swiftness I will know better.  It is up to me to discover an outlet or a supporting technique that will leave me better equipped to handle  the stressors that cannot be eliminated at the time.  The solution is not to go around quitting jobs, relationships and/or marriages.  I am by no means a quitter. Tenacity runs through my DNA. I come from a long line of women who have staying power but these days I do have an extremely low tolerance level for foolishness.  I am working on increased perseverance and the wisdom discern when God says "when" because quite frankly, sometimes I'm just not that spiritual.  Basically when it comes time to pull the plug on a dismal situation I will know. Here is what I finally chose to share with my friend and I so hope that he and countless others will try.  In fact, I hope that should I falter that someone will remind me to: focus on myself, invest in myself in the midst of a difficult situation, be kind to myself, be gentle, tender and attentive. Don't go too hard on the wine or the Ben & Jerry's, I'll only regret it later. Read something daily that is inspirational.  Listen to music that is uplifting, write, work out, walk, dance, breathe deeply, smile, get out of the house, laugh. Pray, meditate, attend church or some form of spiritual worship, try counseling. Eat well, choose healthy foods and did I say laugh? Above all, place my well being at the top of the list at all times.  This is not selfish, but self care at its finest.  What's the worst that could happen anyway?  The other party, your spouse, coworkers, family member or significant other actually sees something in you and chooses to follow your lead? No, not the worse case scenario you say? Well, perhaps the alliance completely falters altogether. I say you're still winning! You can walk away from the situation with an intact mind, bank account, career, a strong sense of self and a body that is in alignment with your mind and spirit.  Sanity is such a good look.  Yes optimal self care is the cure for degenrative arthritis of the soul.  I am now aware that the goal should never be on the situation getting better but the focus should always be on my becoming better.