These thoughts are arriving without the aid of coffee, hmmm how about that? My heart's prayer has been for so long to live in the absolute most authentic way that I can. If you cannot be transparent with yourself then who can you be real with? It's about living from your core and allowing those core driven inclinations to drive you. Your internal spiritual imprint dictates your natural drive. Yes, I think we all have an internal imprint. I believe its like a fingerprint on the inside. God's fingerprint on my heart gives way to all that makes me unique. Throughout life I may encounter different things that speak to my heart. I may cross peoples' paths that trigger an internal knowing. You may stumble into places and experiences that reflect aspects of ourselves. When these things happen its in a response to a connection with that internal fingerprint. More often than not we operate in reverse. Many of us live from the external, allowing all that is out there to define and impact us instead of allowing the internal fingerprint, that internal unique identification to define us and guide us throughout life. In my humble opinion, I like to believe that within me is the heartbeat of a queen, a lady, a hero, a muse, a goddess, an influencer and an elder. There's probably some of other stuff there also, I'm unsure. Many of my inclinations, desires and tastes all attest to that fact. The soft things that I love, the things that I am passionate about, the subtle way I prefer to console, counsel or comfort someone or the wicked delight that I've been prone to have with life. There are moments that life that just cracks me up. I think thats the eternal kid in me, the little princess. Yesterday, I began to ponder this thought and it occurred to me that many of the challenges that I have encountered in life were/are a direct result of living in opposition to my internal fingerprint. That was a humbling and convicting mindset and an altering aha moment for me. Many times that I have felt disturbed ion about a particular situation or association was because I was accomodating it rather than standing in the true "who" of who I am. Simply put, I was posing as someone I was never meant to be. Its not necessarily about lowering your standards but I think the "craziness" happen when you forget to live from your core. Life falls into a chaotic mode when its lived in opposition to your core. I feel the most comfortable doing certain things, the most myself. Certain things are just in me to do, to be, to say, etc. My love for fresh flowers, attempting to articulate my thoughts (i.e. rambling), finding the splendor in the mundane, classic black and white movies, and chaise lounges seem to be somehow ingrafted in my DNA. I don't know where my love of simplistic regal things originated from but oh I how love courtesy, warmth, sincerity, and all that elevates everyday living beyond the petty and trivial. I think to myself that quite possibly hidden deep down within me beats the heart of a queen. Seriously, my ancestors may have hidden this knowledge from me but a goddess queen, a shero's heart beats within. Not a forceful warrior queen, but a compassionate defender of the broken queen. Perhaps it makes me feel better to think that flowing through my blood is the DNA of an advocate, influential, independent, passionate, heroic queen. Every now and then I have these tendencies that slip out and confirm what I have been foolishly attempting to hide or understand. Those silly sing song voices of the old black and white classic movies that I so adore are a testament of my love for nostalgia, romance and timeless femininity. When there is a cause or an issue that disheartens me, something rises up within me and I feel compelled to voice my opinion somehow. I am passionate about certain things, primarily empowering and enlightening other young women to live freely, fiercely, and fervently. My desire to pass on tidbits of knowledge to other ladies feels like a call to arms amongst sisters. Everytime I find myself attuned to this idea of being led by what is within I feel completely whole. Whenever I sit outdoors at a cafe and enjoy my surroundings while sipping on something divine I am utterly amused at myself. I think "sweetheart you were meant for this". Leisurely contemplating my next step works for me. In fact, last week I posted something to this effect on my literary outlet as known as Facebook. A friend and woman whom I've respected and admired for years commented with words that struck me silent. This queen herself commented that I was "a writer in hiding". How observant, how clever, how kind, how on point was this delightful diva!!! My cover had been blown on facebook! This social network was only my means of entertainment and lighthearted outlet but this beautiful unknown mentor had outted me. Wow! Days later a childhood friend and I sat leisurely drinking wine at a mutual acquaintance's family picnic simply catching up. This doll of a woman did the exact same thing! She referred to me as "the Carrie Bradshaw of Facebook"! I took it as a compliment, laughed and had another drink. The gig was up. I've been found out, busted, discovered, outted, spotted and basically put on "Front Street". So now that my cover's been blown I know that an existence of hiding cannot do. It simply will not do. I am a fully concious day dreamer. I am awake yet I am such a day dreamer. I am a goddess and a muse, a queen and a consort to kings. I am a crime fighter waging war against spiritual violence assaulting the feminine psyche. I am claiming who I am internally and will work to externally experience it daily. I will live out this identity daily because withholding all that I am would be such a waste, such an enormous sign of disrespect to Divinity. To all that I encounter I recommend that you do the same. You can attempt to do as Akeem in the class movie "Coming To America" movie (yes I love that movie, I glean lessons from movies often, can't you tell?) and renounce your throne but always remember your throne will never renounce you. By simply saying you "are no longer the Crown Prince of Zamunda" does not make it so. Your regal nature lives within and is apparent in everything you touch. I've finally accepted it and now that my cover's been blown I'm simply going to go with it.
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