Control Where Art Thou?

Upon waking this morning I stretched in bed, opened my eyes and willed myself to be thankful. Yes, willed myself towards gratitude. Its another Monday morning and I have not yet secured employment. I am tired and wondering how is it even possible to awake tired? Lately my mental faculties have been on overload. I have been trying to make peace with a few things and forge a new life and its just not happening in the timing that I feel necessary. Who am I anyway? Its not like I am God, Supreme Creator and Sustainer of the Universe. I calm my breathing and continue to simply tell God thank you, thank you, thank you. My agenda for the day of course in addition to locating a brand new gig with benefits was to visit one of my best friend's classroom. Rebecca is a preschool teacher and when I have a chance I try to spend time in room 14. Today I believe I desperately need the distraction of a group of little people. Again I must will myself out of the door to that adventure. The feeling of mental overwhelm that has settled over me is a bit much. I think of all that I've lost, all that I need to accomplish and who I want to be as I struggle to get from one point to another. The truth of the matter is that I really don't want to struggle. Yes I said it. I don't want to "struggle to get from one point to another". My heart's desire is to simply move calmly and serenely from one phase to another. like a devoutly enlightened person would. I want things to just flow. The problem here is that they are not. I am back home in my Mayberry where I know everyone and everyone knows me. This whole getting back on my feet thing should be relatively simple shouldn't it God? I am down to nothing so the cool cliches all say that "God must be up to something". Right?  I am full of tears that won't fall. I am clinging to little and hoping for much. I am telling myself that complaining won't make things better. I am telling myself that I cannot look backwards, that I must forge ahead. I've discarded my pride quite some time ago, but honestly I still long for some control. Yes, control just like Janet proclaimed all those years agao, "control". The control as Janet puts it "to get what I want". Yes, can't I just have one of those nifty headset mics and cue the music in my life and a suitable background? How lovely would that be? Control, where art thou, you elusive trickster? Even when I was quilting together the proceeds from all three of my field trips I retained a sense of control.  In one day with the loss of all three and the vehicle I lost all control. I have no control, at least it feels like it. In my mind I slam my fist down on the table and demand control! I want to make something happen for me. I want to fast forward through this ickiness of transition quickly. Is there not a button that I can press to get me there Jesus? I am asking all of the right questions. I am completing all of the online applications. All I want is control, nothing more, nothing less, well maybe. I want to control some aspect of this process. Do you hear me God? Taps, the mic. Hellooooo. Nothing happens. I hear crickets.  I look to the heavens and I ask now what?  The funny thing is that a great part of my overwhelm comes as an inability to process much of the pain, hurt and stress that I've burdened myself with over the past several years. I know that my brain and heart is on overload and I do not know how to completely rid myself of the residue of all that's happened and so I do as I've always done. I move forward. I keep going. I apply for more jobs. I attempt to be as positive as possible while I search for the Son in all of this. I cling to my last forty dollars as if my life depends on it. I get angry for having placed myself in such a predicament. I prepare for the silence that will come. I grudgingly make a truce with the lack of control over my circumstances and embrace that I can at least control how I feel about everything. I can control my attitude right? My phone will be off soon. Being unable to eat should be the trick to losing those unwanted pounds I've been trying to get rid of . I smile to myself and think hey, this catastrophic cloud that is my life just may have a silver lining afterall.