Me & My Ole Ladies...It's Complicated

Every now and again I am quite nostalgic. I reminisce and long for a time when things were slower, simpler and some semblance of sanity wasn't such an elusive concept.  When things got crazy there was always a nice, uncut, authentic voice of reason whose words of wisdom were like a drink of ice cold water on a scorching summer day.  Here in the Deep South most men have a term that for years never really sat well with me that they tend to use to describe the significant woman in their life. This term for as long as I remember was used in an affectionate manner and it usually identifies a guy's wife or long time girlfriend, his "ole lady". Well these days when I hear the term I smile and try with great difficulty to consider it a compliment or an accolade when the "ole lady" being spoken of is held in high regard.  A man's ole lady typically has strong qualities such as ingenuity, a fierce and unwavering loyalty and a genuine and gritty demeanor. Some may call it simply being down to earth and relatable. Quite possibly the ole lady flexed these shining qualities because she held no real title in the eyes of the church and the law. Being a longstanding girlfriend beyond the age of thirty-five tends to make one want to remove the rose colored glasses. So anyway I'm rambling again. Basically, the ole ladies were an interesting concept to me. I've known women who've even regarded the men in their lives as their ole man. I guess the usage of the term and the affection it originates from isn't gender specific. Well, when I think about the sage wisdom often gleaned from older women and the true treasures they were to the women of my generation I am saddened because it appears they are all but gone. The older women that I speak of aren't the mothers, grandmothers, or aunts. I am speaking of those "ole ladies" that taught school, did hair, dated my uncles or worked at the local market. The women whom I would see on a regular basis who had it in their heart to drop a word of encouragement to me as often as possible.  What I so enjoyed about my ole ladies is the fact that some of them refuse to season their speech. They tend to give it to you straight, no chaser. Many of my ole ladies have conseled me without ever uttering one word. Their raw way of conducting their business affairs say it all. I think every woman should have an ole lady. A mother sometimes can't be your ole lady because well, she is afterall your mother. There are things that only an ole lady can share with you thats completely undiluted, unfiltered and crystal clear. You see your mother will always see the daughter in you, her little girl. Your ole lady will see the woman in you, the faulty, flawed, error prone problematic places in you. Where your aunt can't see why in the world you're still with that man, your ole lady can.  Your ole lady is that older co worker who has taken a liking to you and chats with you at work. She sees herself in you when she was younger. She gravitates to you. She allows you for so long to keep up the niceties and keep calling her "Miss Betty", etc until one day she seizes the moment and goes in on you. She's the one who asks "what the hell are you doing with your life? When are you going to quit this job and go for what you really deserve?" Remember your ole lady is fiercely loyal and refuses to sugarcoat things.  She's greatness in you with objectivity because she is not your mother. She sees and understands your hangups because you both share them. Oh how I miss the ole ladies. Some invite you to church some do not. Some merely preach the gospel of "look at my life and do the complete opposite baby". Every woman needs one and every woman should be one.

Yes every woman needs an ole lady and every woman should be an ole lady. I think I'm coming into my era now. I am accepting that my youth and I are growing further and further apart. Its difficult for me to wrap my mind around but I am so not that young, optimistic, twenty something year old anymore. As optimistic as I may always remain I am no longer that young anymore. I am now and have been the ole lady in the lives of several young ladies. I so hope that I've played my role well. I hope that I've offered wisdom both spoken and unspoken. I hope that I have set my ladylike tendencies to the side and given it to them straight. Giving it straight means that you care less about how something may look as long as the message comes across. As articulate as I strive to convey my thoughts there are times when you simply need to say what needs to be said in the most rawest way possible. Being someone else's ole lady means you also have to teach some unique survival skills that you never thought you would.  Several years ago I dated a man prone to violence. As was typical of myself at that time, I held loyalty to others above loyalty to myself. Thank God for growth. Well, he had his two teenage daughters with us on one particular trip. These two beautiful young ladies, Amber and Emerald had very different personalities but were both young and impressionable. During the trip their dad and I had a disagreement of some sort something that I cannot recall at the moment but it was obviously always something very miniscule. He had a habit of speaking to me with brutal disrespect. I had not left him at that point because foolishly I believed I needed to be there for his daughter who had moved from out of state to live with her dad. The girls were in the backseat and I knew that diffusing the situation would be wisest thing to do. So what appeared to be a weakness before these two girls was actually wisdom. I sat there and I took it, the cursing, the yelling at me, the threats to "bash my head into the window". Once home, I did what any ole lady would do, I poured myself a drink and called the girls into my room while their father was out and taught school. Amber, the more rambunctious one when asked what she thought about the scene said she wouldn't take that and how she would've responded blow for blow. Emerald the more meek daughter kept quiet and she shared how it made her nervous. I could plainly see the effects of their father's anger management issues in both of his daughters: one was hostile and 'bout it just like her dad and the other had witnessed her dad's violent behavior towards her mother so she was evasive and withdrawn. Here was the perfect teaching opportunity for an ole lady. How do you share with two young teenage girls how to handle a potentially violent situation? Straight, with absolutely no chaser. You teach them survival tactics that only an ole lady can. The only way to diffuse a situation such as that one is to shut up. You explain as only an ole lady can that as a woman, especially a 5'2 inch woman you cannot fight a 6'4, 280 pound man, so if it appears you're playing stupid you don't care, you shut up and live to pack your bags another day. Only an ole lady can say that and advise them to try to never get in such a situation but if you do, that's how you make it out alive.

I miss the ole ladies who spoke with gritty truths as they knocked the ashes from their cigarettes and schooled you in survival techniques. I miss the way they shared their regrets as well as their triumphs, their heartbreaks and their happiest moments. When I long for their earthiness I go to my dearest ole ladies Sarah Vaughn, Betty Wright, and oh yes Roberta Flack. I listen to my ole ladies and let their stories settle upon me, strengthen me and propel me to survive love, life and myself.