My Princess PR Spin

Oh the things that have occurred since I last rambled. Being back home in the safety and plush predictability that is my family home I find myself exhaling and asking myself "what the heck has just happened?" It appears in my self appointed seek and search mission for love I have misplaced at least nine good years of my life. Well rather than cry over the misappropriated time, I sit in the comfort of my parents' home, yes I did say my parents' home, we'll get to that part later darling and survey the damage. Yes, lets have another cup of tea together while I mentally survey the remains of the decisions that I've made that has me here at my parents' home at age forty one. You know I may need something a bit stronger than this chamomille tea afterall. You know what, lets not do it. No I have already recounted my mishaps of love gone wrong, gone South and gone every which way but up why continue with the analyzing? I know what happened, where it happened, with whom it happened and obviously why it happened. No one else cares to know. I can provide entertainment to others at another time and date about the craziness of it all later. What I think I will share is how I feel now about what has happened. The aftermath of my shedding my church girl campaign to get God to bless me led me into a life of twists and turns that I'd never imagined before. I always thought I was creative and imaginative but never could I have come up with some of the things that I experienced. I sit here now very, very comfortable and confident in the lessons I've learned and the strong sense of self that is mine at this very moment and I am so very grateful.  A sublime sense of appreciation washes over me because I know that how I feel and the security that experience right now didn't have to be so. There are so many women who failed to make it out of some of the very same circumstances that I found myself in. So here I am sitting in the middle of my cozy bed cleverly looking at my life through a different set of eyes. I am safe, well rested and in bed at this hour when only months ago I was working polling the daily reports at my overnight field trip wishing I was at home in bed. Sitting here in the middle of this comfy king sized bed makes me feel as if I am on my long awaited throne.  I've always loved four poster beds that sit high off the floor. I call them my princess and the pea bed. Sort of like the fairytale. As a matter of fact, thats exactly how I feel like a princess awaking from a bad dream, almost like Alice in Wonderland. My relationship woes did not resemble a nightmare at all, more like a bad dream and now I am finally awake. I feel more like myself than I ever have in quite a long time. Things are not perfect, far from it.  The adjustment to being back home with my parents has been strange to say the least but settling. I am now in this newfound state of mind choosing to look at things differently, to see the good in all things.  I make this choice not to soothe my ego but rather to see divinity in every turn in my life. God allowed every up and down for some reason. Every scene in my story was screened through His consuming love for me. So I would rather view the occurences through His love and the knowledge that everything is as it should be. In the public relations arena when things happen in the life of a celebrity, public official or entity accomodations are made to "spin" the situation in favor of the person or entity's agenda.  If the situation was positive its used to promote the person or entity even more and to gain more support from the public. If the situation was a not so pleasant occurence, PR firms or departments go into to full gladiator mode to spin the situation for damage control or to create a completely different different story. In PR perception is everything.  Its not about what happened. Its about steering public opinion about what happened.  Public relations has always fascinated me. Careers are created, destroyed and resurrected with great PR.  When I look at the events of my life I think to myself that a proper PR spin must be instituted immediately.  A spin on the occurences of at least nine years has to be launched expeditiously or the longer I wait and ponder, analyze and evaluate every detail of what I did and didn't do I am in danger of living in my past mistakes rather than moving forward and that simply won't do at all. The support that I am seeking to gain is my own. I must rally to gain my mental, emotional, spiritual and physical selves all into alignment with this new PR spin on what has happened and what is about to take place. My PR spin actually has nothing to do with the public at all. It is my "personal revelations" on the ongoing story that is my life.  These revelations cause me to see things in a much more favorable light. This is the story that I tell myself. This is press release that has been forwarded to every department. The mental, physical and emotional departments have all received word from the spiritual department concerning a launch event that will premiere a more stable and stronger me. Word has already gone out. Please do not call it a comeback. This new campaign is an actual launching of a new way of living and loving. I think it will do rather well. At this point all departments appear to be onboard. Basically the statement that has been released concerning the past nine years or so reads a bit like this draft, "Terrea has been cheerfully participating in a divine training module that has spanned the course of several years. She has matriculated very well through her training season and is on an excellent path at this time." There has been no failed relationships, no loss, no pain only progress.  I prefer this spin. Yes, perched from this beautiful view in my princess bed I'd say it looks magnificent. The press statement is hereby approved and can be released now.

Have I Mentioned I Talk To Myself?

This is an excerpt from a journal entry from 2006. Affirmations or faith confessions are basically a dialogue with oneself. We talk ourselves into and out of things all of the time. Why not talk yourself into goodness? I suggest your not reading this but embracing it. Try it aloud. Go ahead, give it a whirl!

When I pray I engage in a calming conversation with my Creator. I affirm positivity daily. I speak words of life, loving myself every moment. I make choices that echo my increased self love and worth. I remember well who I am. I speak with authority. I walk with authority. I exude confidence, passion, purpose and a pleasant demeanor. My life is an event, a meaningful celebration. My days are marked with favor and divine purpose. I speak with clarity,conviction and confidence. I live in no one's shadow. I am always a work in progress. My hopes are being fulfilled moment by moment, instant by instant. i relish and respect the opportunity to invest in the lives of others. i yield my very being to a patient Perfecting Process. What God had in mind for me is unfolding in the order that it should and always would. I am revealing daily the glory that is within me.

I have no answers for my challenges. I am the answer. The very Spirit of Jesus Christ living within me is the answer. I live in gratitude. I am grateful for all that I have, all that is en route to my life. I invest because I am a great investment. My dreams come true everyday. I am crowned with favor. I am unstoppable. It is impossible for me to be denied or defeated. I have faith. I have faith for great things, experiences and love unfolding in my life. I am an intelligent, articulate, pleasant, detail oriented, and excellent in all things. I live out what it means to be more than a conqueror through Christ. I embody resiliency effortlessly. Grace has kept me from looking like even a fraction of what I've endured.

Answers are being revealed to me moment by moment. Every solution I require comes to me as a still voice directing me towards the next avenue. Solutions arrive as a surprise and also as an ever present quiet inner knowing. I possess stability and stamina. Self assurance settles me in God confidence. He brings me all the way through any and every storm. He doesn't get me close to a way of escape and point the way. God walks me completely through my chaos and my confusion. My trust is in Him solely.

There are gifts and talents within awaiting permanent release. I am a passionate, creative, phenomenal woman with unique abilities. My realization and acceptance of this truth sets me free daily. God is my protector, provider and advocate. I possess wisdom in great depth. I possess a wealth of ingenuity. I am creatively equipped to handle anything. I have a position, place and planetary purpose. When I pray things happen. I believe in the power of Love. I believe in the power of God. I yield to His ability to make things happen on my behalf. I submit to and surrender to the One who knows what I do not. I am made of greatness. I possess tenacity in great measure. There is no one like me. I am special, gifted of God and anointed unlike any other. I have a high calling. I will succeed. I am succeeding. I move mountains. I get past obstacles of every kind. I am blessed. I am blessed to be a blessing. I am an heiress unlike any other. I wisely walk in and through my inexhaustible inheritance. As my mind thinks so am I.

I declare everyday a blessing. Regardless of what challenges come my way, the day, the moment, the very minute I breathe in is blessed. The air I inhale is blessed in great measure. I declare total victory. I am of royal bloodline. Jesus Christ is my Savior, brother and Redeemer. Grace marks my life. My decisions are divinely directed. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot falter. This is the only thing that I cannot do. I have an uncanny ability to consistently avoid failure. What outwardly appears to be failure is but a divine learning module. I will stay the course. Distraction will not delay me. God wants to show Himself strong through me. My life is an exhibition, a display of His divine power, mercy and grace. I choose to simply allow God to stand up in me. His stance within me raises a standard to every dilemma.

I love to learn. I grow from every experience. I am strengthened by my struggle. My mind is made up. My heart is fixed. This is the day of massive restoration in my life. I have something to share and my gifts make room for me. God made me as I am for a specific reason. There is a purpose for my passion and passion in my purpose. The treasure in my trials have yet to be revealed.

What Happened When I Took Up Quilting

I am amazed that I survived my most recent attempt to remain self sustaining. At age forty, a pretty appealing forty at that, I still look back and ponder what exactly was I thinking working three jobs nearly around the clock? Yes, it was my brilliant idea to piece together the profits from three different avenues until I found that one that would sustain me. I reasoned that it would be just for a little while. I now believe that desperation was settling in. I was falling behind on my car payments and my rent was due.  Prior to quilting it was not uncommon for me to go back and forth mentally on who would/should get paid, the lienholder on my vehicle or my friend who had opened her home to me as I hastily made that mad dash.  She was uber supportive of my leaving my failing relationship to take refuge at her home and pay half of the living expenses. That settled it. I could not fail her. I must be loyal.  After accumulating multiple jobs to string together until I landed that one perfect place of employment, I resolved to catch up on everything or die trying.  I adopted an overly optimistic train of thought to keep me going.  I paid attention to my speech. I cautioned myself against using words that described my pursuits in a toiling stressful manner.  In fact, rather than referring to them as jobs I preferred to call each job I reported as a "field trip".  I separated myself from the experience as much as possible by envisioning myself as woman simply conducting research. I looked at it this way, I love people so here I had the opportunity to meet and visit with a different set of individuals on a daily basis routinely. No work environment was beneath me. I was thankful for the opportunity to work. I believed that God would bless the work of my hands because my heart was right.  All I wanted was the opportunity. So my daily grind morphed into an adventure in customer service, I would be ever so grateful on each field trip and deliver the absolute best that I had to offer to all I came into contact with.  I would be pleasant, personable and professional but most of all, grateful for each opportunity.  I was determined to be the female version of Akeem from the movie "Coming To America".  Yes, I'm sure that you can tell, I love that movie. I would take my regal air with me and exhale commitment and a diehard perseverance into the commonplace endeavor.  I would work with integrity and attention to detail.  I would not let the grind define me but I would carefully quilt together the revenue from each pursuit,  I would create something beautiful of something exhausting and stressful. I was determined to piece together the scraps and survive by any means necessary. So, field trip number one found me working at a popular nationwide houseware retailer. This pursuit came about as I was visiting the store for one of my therapeutic sessions.  I have a habit of when I am a bit down or depressed I try to find beautiful things to simply be around to lift my spirits. Pretty things and indulgent surroundings sweep me away mentally. So it was that day.  I was longing for the comforts of home as walked through the store amusing myself with plush bath sheets and table settings.  On the way out I decided to ask if the store may need help as the holiday season would soon be approaching.  A lovely woman with the most comforting and entertaining spirit masquerading as a cashier handed me an application.  I completed the form, smiled, returned it and then headed for a reprieve at Starbucks where I planned to strategize on my next move.  I had been completing applications both online and the old fashioned way for some time now.  If I received one more, just one automated response I knew I'd scream. While I sat and sipped on my green tea I received a call to return to the store and meet with one of the managers. I thought this must be a sign because hardly thirty minutes had gone by since I left the store. I said a quick prayer and vowed that if offered the opportunity I would accept it make it work. After a series of meeting with all three of the managers which I found to be strange to say the least.  I was interviewing for a position as a customer service associate not management wow! I was determined to make it work even in the face of the managers' insistence that the job would be no walk in the park, making references to one of my daily requirements, the ability to climb a ten foot ladder and retrieve items for customers. I smiled from the safety of my seat on ground level looking up at all of the various products and simply said "sure, I could handle it." Was I afraid of heights? Before that day, I suppose I never really knew just how afraid of heights I actually was. Again, I was determined to survive and pay all, well maybe not all of my debtors. 

Field trip number two found me continuing on with my contracted position with the school district working with elementary aged children in an after school program.  Being able to continue spending my afternoons with these little people actually gave me something to look forward to, some way to feel as if I was making a difference. I felt more in my element at the school somehow. I can't explain it, but more myself. Actually I was providing the same service to each client, excellent customer relations. One set of clients were adults of course and the other clients were a group of children.  The adults at my first field trip actually proved to be much more difficult to contend with.  The customer base at the store seemed to be comprised of individuals who held what I believed was a strong sense of entitlement. The store catered to this set of clientele with a philosophy that one person at any cashier's station constituted a "line". Often I would leave field trip one headed directly to field trip two tired yet relieved to be dealing with children for the remainder of the evening. At least with my kids many of them had not yet had the benefit of being fully raised as of yet, so the concept of simply common courtesy and decency was not common to them yet. 


Field trip number three evolved by happenstance. Yes, I did say field trip number three. I was in much more of a financial strain and a dilemma didn't quite describe what I was going through so I was in full blown crisis mode. I struggled to remain my cheerful, optimistic and spiritual self in the midst of it all but the weight of my needs were heavy on me. One day while stopping for gas, one of the things I truly detest doing, stopping to pump the gas. I know that the fuel has to find its way into the car but I just hate having to stop to do it. I long for the days of full service stations.  On my way out of this particularly pristine station it occurred to me that they were open 24/7 and only a few feet away from my first field trip.  I decided right then and there I should add this little diddy onto my quilting pattern and see what comes of it.  Did I want to, really? No, but until a fabulous full time position with benefits presented itself I would simply do what I needed to do.  Bohemian at heart I knew that I could learn something from every environment while adding my own unique flavor.  I would be a student of this experience. God would bless the works of my hands until the next door opened for me.  There, I created an opportunity for myself. I walked right in and enlightened the management of that store how they ever made it without someone like me. After an interview with a feisty Phillipino woman who was the area manager, I assumed field trip number three.  I would work from 10:00 pm at night until 6:00 am and head to my next field trip for 8:00 am most mornings.

 

Most of my days my quilting reflected 16 + hour work days. I was exhausted yet encouraged that somehow it would all work out for me. I retained my dignity while setting my pride aside.

Doing It & Doing It & Doing It...The Aftermath

So its been a while since my last update on my bohemian faith journey and my how very much I have learned.  I have discovered that at my absolute best I am quite an attractive mess. I say an attractive mess because externally I believe that I'm holding up pretty well physically. The packaging isn't too frayed but my God am I a mess within. Thank God that the predicaments that I have an uncanny ability to find myself in don't show up on my face. A combination of good genes and trust in God has kept me somewhat aesthetically intact. I am a person with a fierce sense of loyalty and as the year comes to a close and I will take that into account as I conduct my yearly personal audit.  I must find a way to offer that fierce loyalty to myself. Well, so much has transpired that I feel at a loss on exactly where to begin on little update. Lets rewind the tape a bit. During the summer months I had vacated a relationship that I believed simply wasn't working at all.  I exited stage left in grand drama by leaving my then love interest with nothing more than his beloved New Orleans Saints chair in the middle of the room strategically placed in front of the television. For one, leaving the television was the right thing to do I believed because he had been good to me and he loved, loved, loved television, well ESPN. After months of taking two steps forward only to be pushed four steps back I surmised that our relationship simply could not nor would not work because we were two fundamentally different people and the likelihood of either of us changing was slim.  I held onto resentment and bitterness like a pitbull as he held his ground as well.  He was extremely loyal to me as I was to him, yet our love language differed greatly. We basically clashed on how we wanted to live, what I felt was acceptable and what was not.  I was judgmental and prideful. He was relentless in his refusal to bend.  Tenderness was not his strong suit.  He was a phenomenal provider because his heart was a living, pulsating organ whose only function was to cover and care for. He was a man who actually enjoyed caring for others in his own unique way. I wanted for nothing yet desired to be treated compassionately and carefully like the lady that I am. He was not into doing that and was adamant in showing and telling me that "I was not that important" nor would he "place me on a pedestal". My lover simply failed to understand that I did not want to be placed on a pedestal. I wanted the pedestal that I already stood on to be respected.  It was erected with a firm foundation in who God, my Creator designed me to be.  I saw myself as valuable and of pure quality with a sense of self esteem that was/is ironclad intact.  We went round for round. He let me down and I most assuredly agitated him to no end.  I required things of him, expected a certain level of treatment and frowned in disgust at his blatant way of ignoring my hissy fits.  Our moment of no return arrived on Mothers' Day weekend after visiting our respective families in Louisiana.  I fumed at his responses to me that I believed were a ploy to annihilate my sense of self worth and self respect. I truly believed every word and argument was a part in a diabolical plan to break me down mentally so that I could perform and behave like the women he had more than likely become accustomed to dating.  I vowed that I would not be controlled by a man! Our disagreements always ended with my feeling unheard, devalued, discounted and ignored. I believed that he would never make efforts to alter his behavior.  The day after any argument he would without fail get up and prepare for work and kiss me on my forehead as he departed before me leaving a credit card for me. This act always infuriated me because along with the kiss and credit card there was never an apology, one of which I always believed I deserved.  He always went on with his day as if nothing ever happened.  I always found a way to stew over his transgressions, his faults and flaws, his inherent inability to treat me like the fine lady that I was.  Did I mention that he provided for me very well after I relocated with him post lay off? Oh all of that was irrelevant to me as I made my getaway. At the end of a contract position without a new job awaiting me, fueled with 100% anger and bitterness I packed my bags and all of the furniture and fled the scene. The weeks that followed my exodus were a combination of emotions.  I needed some time to come down from all of the adrenaline that came as a result of the non stop arguments.  I worked on regaining a clear mind.  I tried to reestablish some consistency in working out.  I had created a self sabotaging self care regimen.  I medicated the madness with wine that worked grossly against my cute quotient which invariably made me feel worse about myself. Within the relationship I saw myself as the victim, the person being "done wrong" oh so wrong and I focused almost entirely on him, his actions and inactions. Our mini dramas became the topic of nearly every conversation with my girlfriends.  I deserved better I believed yet I was doing very little to attain it. I whined and complained to no avail.  So after moving in with a friend I settled into a new life of struggle and confronting myself, the self that perpetuated problems within my own life. I did return to work and amused myself with the little people I spent my days with until the organization that employed me stressed me to no end. I found myself slipping back into a familiar pattern, winding down with much too much wine. Not good at all. I walked away from that school and job hunted to piece together an existence on my own. Financially I had now taken on a rental obligation that proved to be quite a stretch for me as I attempted to get back on my feet, which I never was quite able to do.  Enter the fall, with a season change I vowed to pull myself together somehow and soar.  I took up what I call "quilting" where I would valiantly piece together jobs to meet all of my expenses.  In my mind I would keep doing it and doing it and doing it until somehow I was right side up again. I was staging a comeback. What I did not know then that in the midst of my comeback a heart cleansing would occur and I would see myself through different eyes. My current situation was not a situation afterall but a classroom that I had stumbled into. Now the time to prove just how teachable I was had come.  Would I stop, look and listen in the aftermath of my mess?

Considering Disability Benefits

Of my many character flaws, and there are oh so many, one of them that I am actively working on is my tendency to be judgemental.  Sometimes even when my opinion has not be solicited I have this phenomenal knack for conveying it anyway.  Coupled with sarcasm I critique things that I have great difficulty understanding such as people who wear their pajamas out in public, the Kardashian epidemic, poverty stricken Caucasians who vote for wealthy elitist Republicans, CeeLo's wardrobe selections, twenty two year olds with an excess of four children and white male arrogance. Those are just a few things that I clearly do not understand but often find myself critiquing. Alas, I am a work in progress.  Rather than attempting to comprehend why some things are the way they are or why some people think or act the way they do I simply must learn to look away. Judging others is a job fit for God alone, clearly He is the only one equipped to judge. Maybe I am not judging others after all and there could be another suitable way to describe my inability to understand the mindset and motivations of others. When I discover what its called I will be sure to inform everyone. Perhaps there are so many others who are also suffering from this disorder.  Hey, maybe it could be called Chronic Failure to Comprehend Foolishness. I'm going with that diagnosis.  Yes that's it I suffer from CFCF. I wonder if I can get a check for that.  It may be labeled a disability in today's culture. My severe inability to understand prevalent foolishness may render me ineffective in navigating successfully in the world. Yes, I should definitely consider applying for disability benefits. If D.L. Hughley attempted to get the Black man on the endangered species list then surely I can apply for disability benefits for my Chronic Failure to Comprehend Foolishness. The least assistance that I believe I should afforded is an interpreter. Possibly an interpreter would be helpful in translating the widespread foolishness to me.

I have been experiencing some difficulty in the work arena lately and I truly believe it may have a lot to do with my CFCF. In an administrative yet academic setting I have the joy of interacting with a diverse group of people.  Both the students and their parents keep me on my toes.  Every afternoon as I have shared previously I spend time with a wonderful group of elementary aged children who are enrolled in an after school program. My evenings typically begin with the beloved front office. By the time I arrive the dismissal process is in full swing and in comes foolishness like with all of the flambouyance and verve of a flaming gay entertainer complete with theme music. Now mind you I love working with people. I enjoy the anti routine consistency that it provides, although many people may come in requesting the same things, different faces, voices and attitudes keeps things quite lively. Redundancy tires me so. I am extremely passionate about helping people and brightening their day while I do so. My CFCF usually flares up when I am assisting at the front desk and a parent who is obviusly off their medication comes in to voice a complaint or make what I consider an insane request. The chief insane request of them of all is to ask me what your child's teacher's name is.  I have been asked this question many times and it still baffles me.  I have been asked this over the phone and in person and I am dumbfounded. My CFCF truly renders me incapcitated in such situations.  In fact in most cases for a very brief moment I am left speechless, temporarily mute.  I know that a response is warranted but my clear confusion at the idiocy of the request has shocked my nervous system.  I am basically stunned, sitting there either holding the phone or staring blankly into the eyes of the unmedicated parent. I am wondering at that moment if it is a trick question.  The parent has to know their child's teacher's name and is just questioning me if I know. Yes, that has to be it, its a trick question. The only thing is the parent is looking at me with expectancy as if I am going to answer them any moment.  My CFCF kicks in the symptoms show up before I can try to hide my condition.  Sarcasm and/or cynism appear without my trying to convey it. Its a natural reaction for a person with Chromic Failure to Comprehend Foolishness.  Its something like tourettes.  You see it is beyond me why a parent does not know their child's teacher's name primarily for two reasons: the Thanksgiving holiday is in all of but one week, how a parent does not know the name of the chief adult that their child has been spending the most time with for over two months is insane and it is an elementary school which means their child should be fairly verbal enough to speak. Can the parent not simply turn to little Johnny and ask him what his teacher's name is? Without my realizing it I always end up conveying that either of those two thoughts to the parent which tends to stir them up.  What these people fail to realize is that I am not well.  I have CFCF. All of my counterparts can answer these strange questions completely unfazed but not me. This really could be a disability.  I am relieved to understand that I may not be overly judgmental after all, I have a disorder that quite possibly with proper treatment and/or therapy I too can thrive in society. Yes, I should really seek help. I am confident that after routine assistance my judgmental demeanor will soften remarkably. The next time a parent asks whether or not Halloween is an official school holiday (meaning the school is closed) so that she will have enough time to straighten her children's hair for a party later that afternoon, I can simply smile and answer "no ma'am school is still open for Halloween" as if that was the most common conversation ever on school grounds. After treatment I will no longer entertain ringing the unmedicated parent alarm and immediately contacting Child Protective Services.

The Evolution

Good morning!! In my blog I tend to share my thoughts about my life, my window into the world with hopes that my tiny personal revelations may also help someone else. I call them musings, meditations and a few rants thrown in from time to time to detail the fine art of allowing oneself to evolve in a f.l.y., funky, faith-filled manner. What does that mean? Pour yourself a cup of coffee & I will be more than delighted to share with you...

Evolving in a f.l.y. manner ("fearlessly and fiercely loving yourself", sometimes I enjoy acronyms) for me is the capacity & willingness to allow yourself to grow & expand in every area of your life from a place that is fearless & fierce. Fearlessly & fiercely loving myself is an ongoing journey. With my newfound football terminology it is a personal play that is defensive & offensive driven. Meditate on those two...fearlessly & fiercely. Loving myself fearlessly is a defensive move for me.  Although it is a struggle sometimes, I must do everything to saturate my life with all things positive. I go on the defense by bringing in all manner of optimism via people I surround myself with, things that I read, the social media I engage in, etc. By doing this, I am "beefing up my defensive line" so to speak. Positivity builds a wall against fear. Fearlessly loving myself is a proactive choice at every intersection of my life. It is a challenge to love or be in love and fear at the same time. In fact, it is downright impossible. I take the offensive approach by fiercely loving myself at all costs. When faced with a choice to love another over myself, I choose me, all day, everyday.  Loving myself fiercely dictates that I place myself on the top of my priority list. That is evolution for someone like me. Oh the ways you can grow when you love yourself with those two f's....

Evolving in a funky manner means that I commit to never, ever again allowing myself to "fake the funk". I dedicate myself to live in, speak & deal in my personal Truth at all times. My funk frees me and fuels me because it is steeped in authenticity. Living from a place of the funky truth is liberating. You see the truth isn't always pretty, clean and fragrant, but it definitely is what it is. There is a sweet solace that comes when you can tell the truth and nothing but the absolute truth to yourself if no one else about how you feel, what you want, what you feel you deserve and where you are right now in life.  

Evolving in a truly faith-filled manner describes a life that I am so desiring to live, a life of faith. Experiencing a limitless existence in the "substance of things hoped for & the evidence of things not yet seen" is a daily walk. Its not for the faint at heart. Its not for the individual who must have all the answers at every corner. I lived in that space at different intervals in my life & it was the most exhilirating experience ever! My desire is to make faith my permanent residence. This is an evolution....

Marital Must Haves

On the tail end of a splendid weekend spent with my family celebrating my youngest first cousin's union I'm left in a very reflective state. I know, when I am not pondering something or another. Well I am. These days I am very aware of myself, where I am on my personal path and the moment I find myself in. Should I be sharing it with you? Maybe, quite possibly some personal truth that I stumble upon may help someone. Who knows. Anyway my doll of cousin was such a site to behold. She was absolutely breathtaking. When I look at her I see the passage of time. My how time flies. Wow, she is not a little girl anymore. I am also no longer a young woman any longer. My thoughts wander to the ideals I once had about marriage, weddings, a husband and all of that happily ever after fairytale stuff. Things have changed. I have changed. Although I am still a hopeless romantic I am no longer as flighty and idealistic as I once was, well maybe not in matters of the heart. I pray that my cousin Danielle has before her more expectations than I do now of the fine institution of marriage. I think that she does as she is in her very early thirties, not nearly enough time to have accumulated as many regrets, failed expectations of relationships, etc. With this in mind I recall having a conversation with a friend concerning our marriage must haves, the absolutes, the necessities of a union following exchanged vows. We swapped our lists, laughed at each other and thought nothing of it. I tried to be as brutally honest as I could be. My friend and I are both at least forty, so the lists I noticed aren't as long as they probably would've been at age twenty five or so. So, here they are, my marriage must haves post age thirty five. Keep in mind this is a comprehensive yet brief list of things that are must haves for me personally. This list may be condensed by the time I am forty five I am sure.

1. Must allow me to be me. I am finally at a place in my life where I so love me, in fact I am totally digging me, all of me, the good, the bad, the ugly & if its all good with me, then I'm expecting a man that will step back and allow me to be the woman that we've both come to fall in love with.
2. Must possess an appetite for life. I may spend some time being engaged to the man but I welcome the man who will be engaged in life beside me. No sitting in front of the television for hours on end.
3. Must respect my idiosyncracies & complexities as I will his. Those things make us unique.
4. Must never ask "is that another pair of shoes?".
5. Must be willing to travel to places that I choose also. Yes, I may come up with the not so popular places to venture to but a willing travel companion in the form of my husband is non-negotiable.
6. Must not be selfish at all. I will want a bite of his sandwich, scoot all in his space, moodiness & selfishness will never do.
7. Must not compare my cooking to his mother's. It is an established fact that his mother's will always be better. There will be no kitchen competitions going on at my age. Enjoy both of our dishes and have a seat somewhere.
8. Must not come into the kitchen while I am cooking & attempt to take over. Participation is fully appreciated, but taking over drives me insane. Reminds me of my Daddy.
9. Must pray for me....I really need it. My husband should/would know me best or most intimately. Prayers can be offered in my presence or otherwise. I just would like to be the subject in a conversation between him and our Creator.
10. Must be fully committed to maintaining our brand of which I will be the chief spokesperson. No sending me to bootleg, kitchen table, substandard salons in a so called effort to "save money".
11. Must support my need to write and/or ramble....it's what I do. His primary support will be understanding this aspect of me and making space in our lives for this. Key, writers/ramblers love to read. He will understand that when I am frantic, he should offer me a book, or laptop and alone time. Just send me to time out.
12. Must allow me to build my own relationship with his child/children separate & totally apart from his. Vice versa.
13. Must not frown upon me having people over for the holidays (those holidays that actually exist & those that I make up on my own).
14. Last but certainly not least, must provide engaging intimate encounters on a consistent basis in alternative locations & well I will leave it at that....